Secondhand Rapture
by unrequitedexistence
Summary: Slightly AU. Gail is not as uneducated as Holly's friends seem to believe her to be. There's a conference in Vancouver and they are both speakers. What happens when Holly, deciding to take her friends with her to try and explain her love for the dead, ends up showing them who Gail truly is? And what happens when they apologize?
1. Bad Roots

Right. So this is my very first _Rookie Blue_ fanfiction. I just couldn't help myself... I love Holly and Gail too much. Please forgive the typos and terrible grammar, English is not my first language. _Sigh_. Ready? Here goes nothing! 

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><p>"Peck?"<p>

Gail closed her eyes at the sound of her name, the hand with which she carried the weekend-ready bag tensing up instantly as she stopped dead in her tracks. One didn't have to be an expert in body language to _see_ the need to get away, the need to _escape_.

It had been one hell of a day and Gail Peck _had_ to go home. All she wanted was to lock herself inside her room, her sound system blasting words she felt the need to scream at the top of her lungs, but couldn't, _wouldn't_.

She brought her free hand to her forehead and kept it there for less than a heartbeat, quickly running it through her short hair as she turned around to face the voice that had called out to her. _No more bad inches to cut_, she told herself, _just bad roots._ The irony of the thought brought a small smile to her lips, a smile that seemed to cause her seeker's shoulders to relax slightly.

_Oliver. He just couldn't help but worry about them as if they were his own children._

"I was going to ask you for a _huge_ favor but by the look on your face I have this feeling that you are actually going to be extremely grateful for this opportunity." Oliver started, raising an eyebrow in a rather challenging way. When it came to Gail, he seemed to evaluate her state of mind by weighting the level of sarcasm in her replies.

He was met by _silence_.

Oliver almost shuddered. He stood strong on his own two feet though, giving her time to decide whether she felt like talking about what was going on or not. That was something he always did. No matter what the situation, he always left more than enough space and time for his colleagues to decide whether they wanted to share what was on their minds or not. He knew exactly when to stop pushing, when to let go. That was why most people ended up looking for him for advice, or just to vent.

This was his _family_ and he was not about to let it fall apart. _Ever._

"Not sure I can handle another shift today, but I bet Price would love the opportunity." Gail replied with a shrug. "Oh, and can you imagine how grateful the people from the Penny would be if, even is just for a day, there was no Dov and Chloe show? I bet they would be ecstatic!"

"Mmmh, right. I will take the mighty people of the Penny into consideration," Oliver started again, this time feeling slightly more relaxed for, even though the reply had come a bit late, it had come with quite a temper. "But am afraid it will have to wait for a next time as I am not about to ask you to stay for another shift, but to pack for a conference in Vancouver."

Oliver had to stop himself from laughing at the clueless expression that took over Gail's pale face – was it just him or she was actually looking much paler than usual? There she was, though, the Gail that he knew and adored.

"Right. There is going to be a conference in Vancouver this weekend and you are the _chosen one_." Oliver's voice tone went all theatrical on those last two words. He just couldn't stop himself. He was certainly not expecting an applause from this particular audience though – and he was right not to for Gail was still staring rather quizzically at him.

"Ahem. Right. _Again_." Oliver cleared his throat before focusing his attention back on Gail, ready to dismiss her after giving her the last few details. "Basically it's a conference for homicide aficionados and we think you are about the only one ready to deal with that kind of crowd."

"Shouldn't it be Steve?" She asked, interrupting his speech as he took a moment for a breath and to give her an envelope where she guessed she would find the rest of the information and the plane tickets. "I am not really a detective."

"_Yet._" Oliver said, stopping her before she started rambling about hierarchies. There was no point. It had to be her. _They_ had asked for her. "And perhaps you should be." He added, causing Gail to raise an eyebrow in confusion. "Anyway, it's not really up for discussion. You are going and your plane leaves in about 2 hours. That gives you more than enough time to pack and whatnot." He nodded reassuringly. "Do try to have the time of your life, okay? _They_ are actually giving you Monday off to enjoy the wonderfully cold views of the beautiful city of Vancouver."

"Wait, Oliver, what the hell am I supposed to talk about?" Gail, still standing on the very same stop, seemed to have finally awoken for the fact that she was supposed to give some sort of lecture to a crowd of nerds whose kryptonite seemed to be homicide.

"You will be fine, Peck. Just be your charming self." She heard him yell as he kept walking towards his office.

"Fucking great. Just what I needed." Gail mumbled under her breath, turning around to make her way out of the station. Not only had she missed her ride to the sanctuary she had been longing for ever since the beginning of the week, she was now also running against time, having to pack and make her way to the airport.

She considered for a moment whether she should go back or not, to try to convince Oliver that she wasn't the right person and to see if there was still anyone around that could possibly give her a ride home. But, as she stood outside wondering, she noticed Holly's car pulling up. That was not something she was ready to deal with now.

"Oh, hell with it." She said to no one in particular, running towards the cab that had just left someone who looked ready to place a few complaints at the station. Perhaps Oliver was right. Perhaps going to Vancouver for the weekend would be interesting. Apparently they, whoever _they_ were, had given her some extra time out to actually go sightseeing. She still had no idea of what she was supposed to talk about, but she had a feeling she would find out soon enough.

Little did she know that Dr. Holly Stewart had been called in for the very same reason. It's bound to get interesting, huh?


	2. Just For Fun

Wow. I must confess I wasn't expecting such a fantastic response. Thank you. I am so glad you seem to be enjoying this story. Here's another chapter! I am really excited about where this is going! I have already written down Gail's conference speech. Ehehe.

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><p>Holly Stewart hadn't been avoiding the Station. Or had she? She honestly couldn't remember the last time she had been inside. As she sat there, in her car, not moving an inch while she allowed her mind to wander, her eyes met the familiar silhouette of an also very familiar blonde. <em>Not as familiar as I would like<em>, she found herself thinking. There she stood, alone, probably waiting for someone to pick her up, someone _new_, someone who wanted her for more than just _fun_. She felt herself cringe as memories from that day came rushing back, completely taking over.

Gail had been as cold as ice. The rawness in her words and in her gestures had caused Holly to take a mental step back. For a moment she couldn't recognize the woman that had minutes ago been kissing her lips. But then again what was she expecting, right? She had just helped the younger woman go through so much shit and suddenly all she heard was that Holly was _having fun_. Fun with her pain. How _cruel_ was that?

She missed her the second she started running towards what appeared to be a cab. There she was, always running and no one running after that. Sure, Holly had called; she had sent a thousand and one text messages, too. But what if she had taken too long? What if Gail had been expecting her to run after her? Thing is, Holly had gotten hurt as well that night. Gail didn't stay long enough to hear the whole story, she didn't even give Holly enough time to try and explain. Instead, she held onto the words she had gotten _out of context_ and ran. Or had she? The whole fun thing was just supposed to be something to make Lisa stop being such a clingy bitch, it was just something meant to make her shut up. _Right?_

Holly just wanted her best friend to stop questioning her every move, her every decision. Ever since medical school her best friends were always messing with her, always complaining about her decision to work with the dead instead of the living. Her choices were always questioned and discussed before, over and after dinner, or whatever meal/drink/event it was. She had to confess she was tired of it. She was _exhausted_. She did want to have some fun in peace. And Gail was _it_, Gail was her _sanctuary_ of acceptance. The blonde woman had never questioned her choices. She might have made a few jokes, sure, but just because she _cared_. At the end of the day she would sit there and listen without saying a word. She wouldn't judge, she would just _listen_ and smile and be there for her, just as Holly had been after the shooting.

There, another thought that made her cringe. She had been worried sick about the younger woman. She had left work and had sat on her couch, phone in hand, waiting for her to call and say that she was okay, that she was alive, that she wasn't going to be the next body on Holly's table. That was probably one of Holly's biggest fears. Ever since she started seeing Gail, and even now after the whole stupid misunderstanding, she kept an eye out on the news and the radio, just making sure there were no other shootings, no blonde cops lying dead somewhere.

Holly wasn't _just_ having fun, she was _living_. She was going home back to someone who cared enough to just hold her through the night.

Holly closed her eyes and rested her head against the hands that were still on the wheel. This wasn't _fun_. Not at all. Perhaps her boss was right, perhaps going to Vancouver for a conference would take her mind off things. At least she hoped so.

She walked into the Police Station and was greeted and let through by a face she recognized probably from a crime scene, or perhaps it was one of Gail's _friends_. Even though the blonde woman kept saying that she didn't have any, the truth was that everybody seemed to care a lot about her, to have her back. They were truly a _family_, a family she could have belonged to if only she hadn't tried to be whoever _they_ expected her to be, if only she hadn't given up on fighting for her relationship with Gail in front of her friends, if only she had held her ground and told _them_ that this, whatever this was, was what she currently wanted and nothing more. _If_, _if_, _if_…

She went directly to Oliver's office, her head high but her eyes half-unfocused, not ready to see the faces that had once thanked her for having Gail grinning like a maniac. They had actually reached out to her and _thanked_ her for making Gail happy for once. She took a deep breath and knocked at the door even though it was open.

"No Gail, I won't ask Steve." Oliver started before even looking up. Gail was usually not okay with a lot of things so he was definitely expecting her to come back and try to change his mind. He had to confess he had expected her earlier, though. Hadn't she been gone for like 15 minutes already? What had brought her back? "I am not…" He stopped mid-sentence as he found himself staring at Holly once he finally finished reading the page of the report that stood in front of him and actually looked up. "Oh, it's you. I am sorry. I was expecting Gail to be complaining. Glad she finally decided to take orders without second-guessing me. How can I help you, Doc?"

"I got a call about a conference…?" Holly replied half-worried she might have had misinterpreted her boss' words. Hadn't he said they were expecting her? Had they changed their mind? She was actually looking forward to it now. She liked conferences. She liked attending the lectures, she enjoyed taking notes, she even liked presenting and dealing with unexpected questions. Basically she was a big fan of challenges – if only she knew how big of a challenge this one would be.

"Oh, they are sending you?"

"Is that a problem?" Something was off. Holly knew it, but she didn't really know Oliver well enough to go all _cut the bullshit and give me the truth_ on him.

"Oh, definitely not." _Gail is going to kill me._

"They said I should come to you for plane tickets and whatnot?" Holly finally let out the breath she didn't know she had been holding. Apparently she really did feel like going. She had been looking forward to getting her plane tickets ever since she had gotten the call that morning. She needed to get away, even if just for the weekend.

"Oh sure. Let me just make the call and have the boarding passes printed".

"Actually, I was wondering if I could possibly downgrade my ticket to economy and take my friends with me? I will pay the extra, of course."

"Huh, sure! Do you have their personal data?" _Gail is going to murder me. Slowly._

Once they had the whole thing figured out Holly left the Station, leaving a worried Oliver back in his office, wondering whether he should let Gail know or let her find out on her own. After a brief talk on the phone with Celery he ended up deciding on letting things flow naturally. If hell broke loose? Well, they would have nature to blame.

Back in her car Holly put her phone on speaker as she made her way home to grab the bag she had already packed during her lunch break.

"No, no, no! No way you are cancelling on us again. No way, Holly." She heard Lisa say from the other side of the line.

"Actually, I am taking you to Vancouver with me. I gave up first class and priority boarding for you, so."

"What? When do we leave?"

"Mmmh, in less than two hours, actually."

"OH. I see." Lisa said, sounding slightly confused and lost for a moment. "RACHEL. Pack our bags." Ah, there she was. Definitely back on the control chair. Holly couldn't help but roll her eyes as she heard her friend yelling out orders.

"Okay, we are going but you have a lot of explaining to do, missy." And with that Lisa actually hung up causing Holly to wonder, yet again, why those two were her best friends. But then again they had said yes, so that was probably her first clue.

"Of course I have to explain. I have to explain every damn thing." Holly mumbled as she parked her car in front of her building, running upstairs to grab her bag before getting back and driving to her friends'. Perhaps this conference would stop the whole judging thing about her career choices. After all, she was meant to make a presentation about her work and she knew just how to make it interesting.


	3. Red Lipstick

I can't seem to stop writing. I am completely addicted to these two characters. Thank you, again, for all the following and the reviewing. I really appreciate it!

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><p>When Gail finally got home, the apartment was silent. This was exactly what she had been longing for… some peace and quiet, some time on her own. She knew this calmness wouldn't last for long as they were probably just having a drink at the Penny, but still… something was always better than nothing, right? Even when sometimes, in the end, it just made her feel even <em>emptier<em> than before.

She stopped by the kitchen to grab a bottle of water and some cheese puffs for the journey. There was a pile of dirty dishes in the sink. They had had dinner together. She could almost feel the warmness of their presence. Chloe was sure to have taken control of the kitchen, or at least tried, because Dov would certainly try to keep her from succeeding at their recipe testing thing, as that would make her better than him at something else. She could definitely see them both dancing around as an old married couple while Chris rolled his eyes as he kept doing whatever he kept doing on his computer. She couldn't help but smile at the picture she had just painted in her mind. She had belonged to that routine, she had once been part of it. When had she stopped being there? When had they stopped knocking at her door or calling her to ask if she was going to join them? Perhaps when she started locking herself inside her room? Or was it when she started taking extra shifts and not answering the phone? But then again, since when did she need a formal invitation? They were always just expected to show up. She was always just expected to be there. And when she didn't? Well, they just expected her to be working late or on a date with Holly or whoever else her mother came up with.

_Expectations._

_When was the last time someone asked you if you were okay?_ She couldn't honestly remember. They always expected her to be fine when she was with them, for she wouldn't be there if she wasn't, or at least that was what they thought. Lately no one seemed to have the courage to deal with her when she was having one of her days, so it made sense that they would paint this portrait of her that never looked either happy or unhappy… just Gail-ish. Whatever happened, it was just Gail being Gail. Of course she didn't get heartbroken… she just got over it by sleeping with someone else. Or so they thought. They hadn't even felt the need to question her. It was just easier to deal with her when they simply expected her to be herself, whoever that was, whatever that meant.

She dropped her bag once in her room and threw its contents to the floor before opening her closet and looking for clothes that looked at least half-suitable to wear at a conference. What kind of conference was it, anyway? Was she going to be surrounded by nerds with or without PhDs? She raised an eyebrow as she studied her belongings before reaching for the envelope Oliver had given her, looking briefly at the program.

"Whodunnit? Seriously, Oliver? You are sending me to a conference with a cliché title?" She said out loud before letting the envelope fall back into her bag. "What am I getting into? A Comic Con for homicide aficionados?" She added with a deep sigh before reaching for a black Armani suit that her mother had bought for her to attend a formal dinner that she ended up skipping due to work. She opened the suit bag to see that there was also a blouse to go with it. Apparently her mother felt like she couldn't even trust her to choose a matching blouse. Oh well, at least it would finally be of some use. She chose two or three half-formal dresses and then decided to pack her black Louboutins as they would go well with basically everything she was taking. _My mother would be proud_, she thought to herself as she looked at the outfits that were lying over her bed. _At least till I open my mouth to speak, of course._

A deep breath. _Another sigh_.

After packing the shoes and the make-up and everything else she thought she would need, she changed into a pair of black jeans, one of her very favorite black and white sweaters and grabbed her leather jacket. With her hair still in a ponytail, she left the apartment. On the fridge there was now a post-it saying that she was going to be out for a few days due to a conference Oliver had somehow gotten her into.

_Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Or better yet, do._

She called a cab and made her way to the airport. When she realized she was flying first class she raised an eyebrow suspiciously. There was something Oliver hadn't told her. What was he hiding? If only she had the energy to try and figure it all out. Instead, she fell asleep almost instantly, the exhaustion from the past few days taking the best of her. She had been giving her very best, her _everything_, ever since the whole thing with Holly had happened. It had hurt so bad to open up after so long just to be kicked out again. She was punched right in the stomach. She had felt so filthy. And sick. It had all moved so quickly and she had been so quickly judged. No one had asked her about her achievements. No, all they wanted was to hear her gory stories. Perhaps she should have showed them her scars instead. Maybe that would give them something to talk about, instead of her lack of studies. _If only they knew…_ but they didn't seem to care.

5 hours or so later she found herself at the conference hotel. She felt _numb_. Her body was screaming for a bed and that was mostly why she basically walked by a huge photo of herself announcing her as one of the main speakers without noticing.

Yet again, the room surprised her. If she didn't know better, she would say Oliver was trying to bribe her. But into what? She changed into her PJs and grabbed her toothbrush. Once she fell into bed she reached for the envelope now on her bedside table and took the program out, checking the schedule for the next day.

"Oh no…" She said as she reached the line that announced her as the official speaker from the Academy. _The story of a murderer - a lecture by Gail Peck_. "I am going to kill you Oliver…" She mumbled as she reached for her phone and typed the exact same words she had just said out loud. "No one was supposed to know. No one was supposed to know." She sighed as she looked at the program again.

She was a Peck. She was supposed to be the cop everyone expected her to be, but she had always been a rebel… ever since minute_ zero_. Instead of only having to deal with her parents, especially her mother, she also had to deal with her colleagues back at the Academy. They seemed to think that everyone was going easy on her because of her parents' rank. But no. It was quite the opposite, actually. They had asked her for more, and when they didn't, her mother did. The Academy was an adventure she would never forget. Her mother kept asking for extra classes, extra practice, extra everything. A free minute to breathe meant that she had time to fit in just another extra something into her schedule.

She was going rather insane and becoming quite antisocial, even more than usual, and so her brother Steve suggested to their mother that perhaps Gail should just take some extra classes at a university close by so that her CV was stronger and showed more passion for knowledge, a passion that was not obvious on her high school curriculum as her grades had been average.

She ended up investing quite a lot of time into it, her head always inside a book while everyone else was too busy to even care about what she was doing. She wasn't supposed to be doing shit anyway, she didn't have to. She was already in without even trying. Or so they thought. Instead, while they all were out having drinks, she, after having one or two, went back to her room and studied for what started as a simple interest in forensic psychology. Of course she had classes back at the Academy, but these were taking her a little further and she was quite oddly _into _it. Books didn't bother her as much as people did. That was how she had met Professor Theresa Russ, now one of the biggest names in Forensics. Gail had met the woman on her very first year of teaching. She was a prodigy and quite a sociable one. They had gotten along somehow and they had been in touch ever since. She had the feeling that Russ was the reason why she had been asked over in the first place.

Now that would be rather nice, wouldn't it? Seeing an old friend, an actual friend. Someone who knew what _being Gail_ meant.

She woke up to the sound of her phone. Her body felt, for the first time in ages, completely relaxed. She hadn't slept for this long in ages.

"Rise and shine."

"This isn't a dream, is it?" She answered, her eyes still closed. "I am truly going to kill you once I get back. Seriously." She told Oliver.

"I knew you would say that. Hence the first class flying, the hotel and hence the extra day to clear your mind."

"I am still going to kill you."

"We will see about that. Anyway, just calling to let you know that breakfast will be served soon. Good luck, Peck."

"Same to you. 72 hours till we meet again, Oliver."

"You're welcome. Love you too!"

She rolled her eyes as she heard him laughing.

She jumped into the shower. Once out she dealt with her hair, which was starting to grow, and put on her make-up.

She looked at her reflection in the mirror.

Suit on. Heels? High as fuck. Red lipstick.

"Right. Let's do this shit."


	4. Hot Appearances

I am sitting at the edge of my seat for two very different reasons. First, I am really excited about this story and where it is going. Second, I am rather worried about Gail's speech. I've written it down already but I feel a bit as if I were the one to have to give the lecture, you know? _Sigh_. Let's hope for the best. After this one, there will be just one single chapter and then Gail's panel.

Hope you're still enjoying. Thanking you so much for all the support.

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><p>They were the very last people to board the plane.<p>

Holly should have known that that was bound to happen. Actually, she should have known, right from the start, that the thought of taking them with her would always sound much better, and work much better, inside her head. Better and easier, of course. There was nothing smooth about those two when it came to travelling. How had she forgotten such a thing? Ah, not doing it in ages. For a reason, a perfectly understandable reason that she had somehow mistaken for a minimum detail. There was nothing minimum about the amount of luggage those two were carrying, though. Nothing_._

_Why didn't I just call from Vancouver apologizing and telling them that the idea of bringing them with me had crossed my mind at some point? It's the thought that truly counts, isn't it?_

They had taken so much time packing, asking her a thousand and one questions about what the weather was going to be like and about what the conference was going to be all about, basically things they knew she too wasn't aware of for the simple fact that she too had been told about it last minute. She had gotten the call in the morning and had basically been told that she _had_ to go to Vancouver for the weekend. There was no time to explain what the conference was all about or to discuss the weather. She had basically said _okay, yes_ and had taken her lunch break to go home and pack her own bag. Why hadn't she told them by then? Well, she was still not sure whether they could – and would – come, so she had decided to wait till she was a hundred percent sure that it was doable. That and she knew they would spend the rest of the day calling and pestering and asking her questions she didn't have the time or the desire to answer. _Not then, not now, not ever_.

The flight was heaven compared to the hours of hell that had preceded it. Due to the fact that her friends' tickets were purchased after hers, there hadn't really been enough space to have them sit together as the flight was quite full with mostly booked seats. While Rachel sat by Lisa somewhere near the rear of the economy cabin, Holly was sitting right at the front.

The unfamiliarness of the voices that surrounded her became the perfect background noise, a role usually played by her television when she sat alone in her living room working on her papers. She grabbed her notebook and a pencil, taking a moment to enjoy the possibilities hidden in the blank page staring back at her. She couldn't help but smile at the new beginning.

_Oh, the wonders of the little things_.

She then focused her full attention on the ideas that were coming together in her mind. She knew that she either prepared her lecture now or she would probably end up going with improvising, something she had to admit she quite hated. She just _knew it_, though. There was no way in hell, and most definitely not in heaven – not that that would ever become a problem –, her friends were going to give her time to work on her presentation once in Vancouver. Why? Two simple reasons. First, they were going to start by saying that she didn't have to practice for she had graduated first in their class and was beyond brilliant – as if her actual field was as dead as the bodies she studied at the morgue. Second, well, she was certainly going to be lectured about always saying yes to everybody no matter what. Apparently she was too available, just not for what truly mattered, or so did Lisa from Plastics think, _blah blah blah blah blah_. She could see herself getting tired of listening to them complaining and giving up on trying to come up with something coherent, nodding to whatever they kept saying without really listening. Ah, yes, exactly what had happened with the whole Gail thing. _And look how badly that turn out!_

It didn't take long for the quietness to take over the cabin, mostly because it was quite a late flight and most people had already been through their own personal hell during the day. She had found it extremely easy to concentrate, finishing her notes only two hours in. Now what? She had packed a novel but she wasn't sure she felt like putting her tired eyes through its pages, no matter how perfectly written they were. She had already made them go through quite a few reports back at home, so why not give them a chance to rest? Yet, she felt way too alive to sleep. She decided to look around for a moment, studying the faces of those who slept on the seats next and around her. She couldn't help but wonder what was bringing smiles to some faces and worried expressions to others.

_If only I could read into your minds._ Or perhaps it would be better not to. Only God knew how much she wasn't ready to take such a step, even if possible. She already had quite a few issues when it came to deal with the words that people were supposed to think before letting out or writing down, that the thought of hearing what crossed their minds at every single minute scared the hell out of her. _Yes, ignorance can indeed be pure bliss_.

Still, she couldn't help but wonder if any of those faces were going to be part of her audience during the conference. That thought made her reach for the program she had saved in-between the pages of her copy of "The Hours" by Michael Cunningham. All she knew was that she was supposed to present on the second, and last, day.

She couldn't help but laugh out loud at what appeared to be the conference's title. Her free hand instantly found her mouth to muffle the sound. She looked up for a moment, making sure there was no need to apologize for interrupting anyone's well deserved rest. Apparently not. No one had noticed. _Tell me something new._

She went back to her program, her eyes widening slightly as they met the name of the person that was going to speak during the opening ceremony. It was going to be Theresa Russ, Dr. Theresa Russ. That was none other than her _ultimate hero_. She had read every single publication signed by the woman, probably even exchanged a few e-mails with her, but that was it, they had yet to meet face to face. _Finally some good news_, Holly thought to herself as she kept staring at the name. She only hoped she had time to chat with the just slightly older woman. Not only was she a genius, she was also quite a stunningly looking one too.

She was now definitely more than ready not to be surprised and excited with anything else from the conference. Theresa Russ was quite hard to beat. That was when her eyes found yet another name she recognized. She found herself swallowing hard as her heart skipped a beat or two. _Gail Peck_. Gail Peck was going to be at the conference. Gail Peck was one of the main speakers. Actually, the blonde cop was going to be _the_ first speaker. How had that happened? Wasn't Gail completely against public speaking? And why had she, from every other cop in the many divisions, been chosen to represent the Academy? She slapped herself mentally for going all Lisa on the world. She barely knew Gail. That was the truth. Sure, they had spent quite a lot of time together, but now that Holly gave it some thought, Gail had spent more time listening to her than actually talking about herself. She only knew Gail's basic version. She had seen her broken down into a thousand and one little pieces, yes, but she hadn't been the one to put them back together. She had held Gail's hand instead while she picked herself up. She couldn't help but feel bad. Sure, they had just started getting to know one another, but shouldn't Holly know a bit more than the story of Gail's work? Even that she knew she wasn't completely updated on.

During the whole ride to the hotel she kept going through the same mental battle against herself – should she tell her friends about Gail or should she just wait for them to figure it out by themselves? She had just found out herself and she was still not quite sure about how exactly she was going to deal with it. She didn't even know how she felt about it, about _her_. Somehow the thought of having her self-doubt mixed with her friends' universe of questions didn't sound at all appealing.

As they walked into the quite fancy hotel both Rachel and Lisa stayed behind while Holly went ahead to take care of the check-in. When done, she found the other two women staring at the photos of the speakers.

"Anyone hot making an appearance?"

"You can say that again…" Rachel replied, taking a step to the side so that Holly could see what exactly they were looking at. Oh my. That was a photo of Gail with a smile on her face. And it was a real smile, a lovingly smile too, one that she had been given the pleasure of experiencing first hand. It was magical. Enchanting, even. And rare too, she knew. She couldn't help but wonder who exactly had taken that photo. Who had been the lucky one? Wait, was that jealousy? It certainly felt like it.

"Did you know?" The question came out of nowhere and brought Holly back from the land of dreams in which she was being given the opportunity to wake up to that smile every single day.

"Huh, what?"

"Did you know she was going to be here?"

"No, no really. I just looked at the program on the plane." Holly said, "It wouldn't have made any different, though." She shrugged, trying to convince herself of what she had just said.

"You kidding? Your…" Lisa stopped for a second and seemed to get lost in the photo again. "Your stunningly gorgeous ex is going to be in the same conference as you. Probably staying at the same hotel…" She turned fully towards Holly. "She's probably already here, even!"

Holly couldn't stop herself from looking around as Lisa voiced that last thought. _I wonder if you know I am going to be here as well_, she found herself thinking. She hadn't seen Gail ever since the incident at the Penny. Well, she had seen her earlier at the Station, but she had been at a safe distance. She couldn't help but wonder how the blonde would react to seeing her there… _How am I going to react to seeing her? To being close to her?_

"Holly, wake up!"

"Lisa, for the love of everything. Stop being so fucking dramatic. It's not like I am going to jump her the moment I see her. I am still pissed. At her and at you, to be honest. So just shut up, will you?" Holly found herself mostly breathless as she stared at Lisa's stunned face and Rachel's small encouraging smile. "Look, it has been a long day. Let's sleep and deal with this in the morning, okay?"

Back at the room, Holly was the first to shower and get into bed. She mumbled something about being exhausted and closed her eyes, pretending to be asleep.

"Go easy on her, Lise. She really liked the girl." She heard Rachel say once they were all in bed.

"I know. I feel kinda bad for causing the train wreck, but it was going to happen sooner or later." Lisa said as she turned off the lights.

"How do you possibly know that?" She heard Rachel whisper against her pillow before sighing deeply.

Yes, Gail was kind of right. Her friend Lisa could be quite the _idiot_.


	5. Twinkle Twinkle

You are beyond everything! Thank you so much for your continued support. And guess what? Gail's speech is coming up! _Wooohoo_! Huh, it might not be as good as you are expecting it to, but I did try…

On a side note and to the guest that mentioned that he/she got the feeling that Holly was someone that Gail did talk to and open up to: I totally agree. I _definitely _agree. I did try to put myself on Holly's shoes, though. If something like this had happened to me, even with Gail's response being _slightly_ uncalled for, I would still blame myself. And Holly does seem like the kind of person who devours you, you know? She learns your every inch, your every secret, your _everything.._. I think that for her it will never be enough, it will never be _too much_. And on a normal situation she might even be okay with that, for that would mean a _happily ever after_ filled with surprises and new stories and new kinds of smiles and whatnot. But in this case, I can see her blaming herself for not knowing how exactly to get Gail to talk back to her. Not knowing _enough_. Not knowing how exactly to reach out… I kind of got that feeling from her _Goodnight, Gail_ after Gail admitted being a brat.

Ahem. ANYWAY. Yeah. I did sit here and think about it for quite a while. It actually made me smile. So yeah. THANK YOU!

* * *

><p>Gail was doing one of her very favorite things… she was mingling, not staying in one place for too long for she knew that that could send mixed signals to the people who were actively looking for a partner in crime for small talk. She didn't do small talk. <em>Ever<em>.

Instead, the blonde woman found herself studying those who surrounded her. When completely unaware of her scrutiny they did interesting things with their bodies, their movements conveying messages that many times went completely against the stream of words she heard them speak. _If only they knew_.

The fact that she didn't recognize anyone was oddly comforting. Yes, even though there was no one to talk to, even though there was no one to run to for safety, she felt _okay_. No one knew who she was… no one knew her past, no one knew her present, and she highly doubted that anyone knew her future. _If only…_

Her train of thought was suddenly interrupted as her eyes came to meet a photo of none other than herself. She raised an eyebrow as she made her way towards where it stood. Now this was something that she couldn't blame Oliver for. The only photo he had of her was probably the one that she had sent along with her CV. Oh, and perhaps one from when she first joined the 15th. Yes, he probably had a few others from their social activities but he knew better than to share those. He would have to deal not only with Gail's wrath, but also with her mother's. _And one doesn't play with fire unless one truly must and can't, at all costs, avoid it._

This was different, though. This was a personal photo, a photo taken by someone who was close enough to her to be allowed a camera while at photo-taking distance. The number of people with such privileges was small, which could only mean one thing and one thing only: Theresa Russ was indeed the woman to blame.

The older woman had always had a wicked sense of humor, hence the terribly late request for Gail to join the conference. She knew exactly how much Gail hated surprises and just how to push her buttons to make things interesting. _Challenged accepted, Russ._

Somehow she had always been one step ahead – _if only you knew exactly how much, Gail _–, even after an ocean of tequila. Ah, the memories. They had gone from complete strangers to teacher/student to friends in the blink of an eye. Better yet, in the dropping of a coffee cup. All it took was Theresa, while completely lost in her thoughts, bumping into Gail and causing the younger woman to lose the grip on her coffee cup. Only God knew how much she had needed that cup, but we all know how much Gail can make that evident with just a simple face expression. She had walked away with a simple _no worries_ though, a _no worries_ that Theresa had followed till _it _disappeared into the classroom where she too was supposed to be.

Amused at the response, and positively drenched in coffee, the older woman had taken a detour by the cafeteria and had bought two freshly brewed cups. She had then made her way into the classroom. Once inside, she had taken her blazer off and shown her previously white shirt that had now become slightly transparent due to the liquid that had been poured on it by accident. No one seemed to mind the view one bit as she started introducing herself while walking towards the place where she had found Gail sitting, head down, doodling away.

"I would very much prefer if you sat in the front of the class." Theresa had said in half a whisper as she set the extra cup of coffee in front of Gail. "Black as night. Just like you. But please move, will you? I can barely see you from _all way down there_." She had added, the _down there_ supposed to imply the distance between the younger woman and her desk, which was quite long as Gail was hiding at the back. And then she had carried on, as if nothing had happened, her students' eyes fixed on her backside, completely transfixed by her.

On the next class Theresa had found a pair of glasses over her desk as well as a cup of coffee. _Black for my night and two sugars for your bubbly personality. Morning person much?_ She had read on the cup. _Touché_. Theresa had raised her glass towards Gail who was sitting exactly on the same spot as before, though this time looking up and right at her.

They had danced around each other, flirting in the least and most obvious ways, till the very end of the first semester. Then tequila had happened, oceans and universes of tequila, and they had decided to carry on dancing till the night became day and back again.

They had never been more than _just friends_. They were too busy to care and having way too much fun to even think seriously about the word _relationship_. They just were. Friends. With some benefits that included warm feet on cold nights, but without others that turned into long nights of drunk conversations about longing and lusting and wanting others that were either too close or too far for them to reach. Yes, they had fun. They _were_ fun.

Gail had to smile at the thought, deciding right then and there on finding the photo Theresa had sent from herself. If only Gail had known… she too had quite a personal and extremely interesting collection of photographs from back in the day.

She was in the middle of her little investigation when her eyes found yet another familiar face, a face she knew like the back of her hand, a face she knew better than her very own.

_Holly._

There was a photo of Holly standing basically next to hers. There was a photo of Holly standing basically next to hers in the middle of the hotel's hall, in the middle of the hotel's hall where she had been the night before. And she hadn't noticed it. How could she have missed that?

She grabbed her phone and pointed it towards the two photographs, hers and Holly's, standing side by side, a smile on each of their faces. She then sent it along with a text to Oliver that read the following: _is the universe trying to tell me something or did you simply forget to mention it?_

Holly was here. The Holly she had been a cold bitch to was here. The Holly who had sent her a thousand texts and left probably the same number of voicemail messages was here_._

_Here._

_Her _Holly.

Was it getting really hot in the hall or was she simply having a panic attack? The fact that the people around her still looked as comfortable as five minutes ago told her that she should probably find a place to sit before she passed out. Oh, perhaps she could use that as a way of actually getting out of this conference thing. But what if they asked for a doctor and Holly appeared? She was sure that would cause her at least a mild heart attack, if not fulminant.

"Breathe, Peck, breathe." She told herself as she walked into the auditorium and looked for her assigned seat. When she finally found it she got so pale that she put the hotel's perfectly white walls to shame. The two seats next to her were reserved for one _Dr. Stewart. Her_ Dr. Stewart.

Holly was sitting next to her. _Her_ Holly was sitting next to her. _Her_ Holly wasn't _alone_ though.

"Just perfect." She mumbled as she sat down, bringing her knees together so that she could rest her elbows on them and then hide her face in her hands.

"Gail?"

It was her voice. Either she was really there or her mind was playing cruel tricks on her. She shut her eyes tighter.

"Gail, are you okay?"

There was worry. Then a warm hand came to rest gently on her arm and Gail couldn't help but flinch slightly at the contact. The hand didn't back away though which ended up causing Gail to look up. This time she didn't run, though, this time she just sat there and stared.

She was at a loss for words. So many things left to say and yet all the words in the world seemed to have decided to hide from her, just like she had hidden from Holly after the events at the Penny. Her blue eyes came up to meet Holly's gentle brown ones. Gail felt her heart stop.

_I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry._

That was everything she could think of.

"I am sorry." She finally heard herself say.

Her words were met by a level of uncertainty that made Holly start biting on her lower lip. She was going through the many possible scenarios in her head, a look that Gail recognized as she had seen it before when the two of them had sat and _discussed_ their relationship. She had once before silenced it with a kiss, something she couldn't afford to do at the moment. Or could she? She _wished_ she could.

"I am so damn sorry." She said again, breathlessly, almost as if those five words had taken all the air still available in her lungs, all the oxygen in her veins. She was coming undone.

The hint of a small smile on Holly's face was a sign that a response was coming, a response that was killed before even being born by a second voice that demanded to be acknowledged.

"Gail Peck, is that you?"

The question made the two women look up from their silent conversation. Gail actually stood up and Holly turned around to find herself staring at none other than her hero.

"Professor Russ!" Gail said, trying to make her anxiety pass off as excitement. That was when she first noticed the fact that Lisa and Rachel were also there, standing right besides Holly, as per usual. Did that mean Holly wasn't seeing someone? _Or perhaps it simply isn't someone someone yet._

"Oh please Gail, we have been on first name basis for years now." Theresa said pulling a face that made Gail laugh, bringing a bit of color back to her face.

"Right, Theresa. How are you?" She was going for smooth and natural but she knew Theresa was very much aware that something was not right.

"Oh, good, very good. What the hell happened to your gorgeous hair, Gail? Going through a phase again?"

"Oh, you know, just life." Gail replied, very aware of the fact that Holly's eyes were back on her and that her hand was still on her arm.

"Life has decided to make you even better looking, huh? Some of us are just too damn lucky."

Gail rolled her eyes. Typical Theresa. The tall woman with never ending legs and a red hair that put autumn to shame. And her green eyes… they were infinite… and infinitely curious. There was a twinkle in them though, a twinkle that meant Theresa was up to something.

"I guess I have you to blame for the photo, huh?" Gail said, deciding on ignoring, for now, the fact that the older woman was playing one of her games – _just like you said Gail, she's always one step ahead._

"Guilty as charged. Are you going to arrest me?"

"No uniform. I guess I will have to sue you for defamation instead."

"No uniform, huh? Right, mmhmm, because that has stopped you before." Theresa said with a grin. "Anyway, if I were you I would wait for the opening ceremony. You will have some more evidence against me by then. And as you seem to have already found your main witness…" She added, finally acknowledging Holly with one of her _I-see-you-there_ smiles. "It should be a walk in the park."

"Please don't embarrass me."

"Have I ever?" She said with wink before leaving a very confused Holly and a very anxious Gail behind.

The conference was about to start and they were all still standing.

"Here, take my seat." She said to Holly as her hand came up to meet the brunette's that still rested leisurely on her arm. For a moment their eyes met again and Gail felt herself lose her ground. She sighed softly before letting go and grabbing her things, moving past Rachel and Lisa, acknowledging their presence with a cordial nod. "Don't worry, I will figure something out." She added before throwing one of her killer smiles at Holly and leaving after a very noticeable second thought.

"What did just happen?" Lisa asked as she sat down.

"Damn, she could have melted Titanic's iceberg by just showing up with that suit on." Holly heard Rachel mumble as she too sat down.

"How does she know your hero? They seem close?"

Holly was about to tell Lisa to shut the fuck up again when Theresa called for everyone's attention from the stage. As if she needed to clear her throat to have everyone looking at her.

"Oh yes. Definitely jealousy." She whispered to herself as she sat down where Gail had just been minutes ago. She could still feel her perfume in the air.

_It's going to be one hell of a long weekend._


	6. Gail Peck

I have been re-reading this for ages now. I truly don't know what to think. I feel like I should apologize, but I will wait to hear from you first. It feels a bit _ooc_, but then it doesn't. I mean, Gail is _everywhere._ She's everything and nothing at the same time. God knows how much I love her for that. Le sigh. Anyway, I hope you enjoy.

P.S. Dearest guest that enjoys making me think: the _someone someone _was actually a reference to the bar scene before the shooting. Again, and I can hear my thesis adviser saying _the connections in your head aren't evident to everyone else, just write them down_, it's just a feeling I had. Holly is too good for Gail, or at least that's what I think Gail feels. I believe that was the reason why she left at the _fun_ line. Anyway, in Gail's head it doesn't make sense that someone like Holly would wait or that she would stay single for too long. That was just it. This conference is their first encounter ever since the bar incidente.

OK. READY? Here goes nothing!

* * *

><p>"And without further ado…" Theresa's eyes instantly scanned the audience for Gail, finding her standing at the rear of the room, just like back when she was at the university. "Please join me in welcoming our very first speaker." She smiled, nodding reassuringly to the younger woman who now started making her way towards her. "A student, a fellow colleague and a very dear friend of mine." She could read Gail's anxiety in her step but she could also see determination as the blonde held her head high. "She is <em>the<em> company you want to have around when drowning in tequila." Theresa couldn't help but laugh at Gail's slight blush. "Gail Peck, everyone."

Theresa felt Gail exhale deeply as she finally reached her mid-stage. They shook hands and the older woman leaned closer as to place a soft kiss upon Gail's cheek. "Finish them." And then she started applauding, leaving Gail alone with a wink that made the blonde roll her eyes.

_Right._

Gail had to stop herself from taking a step back once she turned fully towards the audience. The amount of eyes on her was overwhelming. She was now the one under the scrutiny of a bunch of strangers that had paid to be there. They were expecting her to be worth their money. Oh, _expectations._ She knew just how to deal with them.

_Something is missing, though…_ She thought to herself as she too scanned her audience, just like Theresa had done only moments before. Once her eyes found Holly's she felt herself relax almost instantly. _Oh, there you are. Let's do this shit._

"I was brought here for the way I look." Gail started out of nowhere, her eyes travelling through the faces of the dead silent crowd. "Ah, there you are. Judger number one, first row too. Congratulations on your fantastic emotional reflexes. I almost missed the disgust written all over your face. You must be one hell of a liar." She had truly almost missed the first micro expression, yes, but the person in question made sure she didn't miss the response to her accusation. Had he flipped her off? Indeed, he had. If only that could wash the redness off of his face… Oh yeah, he was definitely blushing. _Caught you._

"Let me remind you…" She continued, addressing the whole room again. "All that you know about me is… well, _nothing_ really. Nada. Niente. Rien. Nichts. Yet, you didn't think twice before throwing the first stone. It felt good, didn't it? Being better than me… a _me_ that only exists inside your head, yes, but still makes you better than some random and rather rude woman whose only skill seems to be saying _nothing_ in five different languages. _Assumptions_. Gotta love them." Perfect high-pitched ending. Oliver would certainly be proud of how theatrical she had become.

"So let's try this again." She said as she eyed the audience like a hunter looking just for the perfectly right prey. "You." She said, also signing towards the face she had found amongst the crowd. She couldn't help but smile at the woman who signed back at her asking if she was talking to her. "Yes, you, ma'am. Would you mind joining me here for a moment, please?" She said out loud as she signed at the same time.

The choice was not as random as it might have appeared to the rest of the audience. Gail had been looking exactly for that face. She had been watching the old woman ever since breakfast time. Her voice had caught her attention first, and then her lovely floral dress that didn't seem to fit in with the whodunnit theme of the conference. _Not at all_. She seemed completely out of place and yet entirely at home. She didn't look like a homicide aficionado… but then again, what did a homicide aficionado look like? Still, something told Gail that she was someone's family. A killer's? A victim's? No matter the answer, she intrigued Gail. Her face said too much and nothing at all at exactly the same time. It was fascinating. And then she had noticed that her company was signing to her. That had been _it._

Gail helped the much older woman up the stairs and signed to her asking if she was okay. The woman quickly replied saying that she was slightly nervous but besides that she was just fine.

"Now, if you don't mind, I would like you to repeat what I first said when I got up on stage." Gail said, still talking and signing at the same time, even though there was an interpreter present.

"I was brought here for the way I look." The confidence with which she said it made Gail smile and a few of the audience members laugh.

"Noticed the slight different reaction?" Gail asked the woman who simply nodded back in response. "You see, I am the good looking bitch with an attitude and you are the poor soul doing comedy for my amusement. Yet, they were the ones laughing, not me." Gail smiled gently at her as she helped her back down the stairs. "But don't you worry, the only difference between us is the Armani. If I were wearing my uniform they would be rolling on the floor and laughing hysterically by now." She said with a wink as she looked down at the woman who was now back on her seat. She signed _thank you_ and then went back up the stage. There were some more laughs and a few awes.

"See? Thanks to you I am now a woman with quite an attitude that seems to stop being a bitch when interacting with older people. Thank you, dearest." She bowed slightly towards her earlier assistant.

"So yeah. Hello. My name is Gail Peck and I am a cop. And that is still all that you know about me." She said matter-of- factly, her eyes meeting Lisa's for a moment before the other woman broke the eye contact and looked down. _Right._

"Interesting, isn't it? Till a moment ago you would line up to throw stones at me, but now you can't help but wonder if that would truly be your wisest move as I am now a cop. It would probably mean jail time, wouldn't it? Oh yes, it would. Charge? Assault." _Like a walk in the park,_ she heard Theresa say in her head.

"Now think, what has changed since the moment I walked in? You are still sitting there and I am still up here. And yet, I went from stranger to bitch to savior and back again. Or did I? I mean, you are still _just_ you and I am still _just_ me, right? Or am I?" She had to stop herself from laughing at the fact that most of the audience members had stopped taking notes by now and were boastfully staring at her, looking utterly lost.

"Oh, I know what you are thinking. Look at that blonde _beat_ cop in a power suit wearing heels so high they could probably be used as murder weapons." By now she was so relaxed and comfortable in her own skin that she was making voices, just like she did when she read to Leo every time Traci left him with her to spend a little alone time with her brother. "Look at her, just a kid, thinking so much of herself already. Look at her… talking to us about judging when she too is judging us."

Gail threw her hands up in defeat.

"Ops. You caught me. I am judging. I am judging you as much as you are judging me. But there's only one of me and hundreds of you. Doesn't seem fair, does it? Oh, but don't worry, you are judging each other as well." The level of sarcasm in her voice would probably cause her to overdose if she bit her own tongue. Still, the lopsided grin on Holly's face told her that at least someone in the whole crowd knew exactly what she was aiming at. Then again, Holly was probably the smartest person in that room. No, _scratch that_, Holly _was_ _definitely_ the smartest person in the room and she spoke Gail-ish fluently. "There's probably a _nerd_ taking notes next to you…" She threw one of her funny faces at Holly and her heart skipped a beat with joy when she noticed the woman bringing her free hand up to cover her mouth to muffle the sound. "And you are sitting there and you can't help but wonder… What is she writing down? Nothing interesting is being said. Is she stupid enough to think this blue collar has something to say? Did it ever cross your mind that she's probably not even listening?" That caused the few people who were indeed taking notes to raise their heads to confirm the fact that they were indeed paying attention. "Perhaps she is starting a novel… or, who knows, writing poetry?" _Or being poetry_, she thought as her eyes met Holly's again for a moment. "What about that odd looking guy sitting at the back, in the corner, all by himself? Is he planning his own crime? Is he choosing his first, or perhaps _his next_, victim? I bet he's wondering why you are all sitting in the middle of the room when all the seats around him have a reserved sign on them. Couldn't pick? Well, neither could I…"

_Pity party time. Let's see how they react to this._

"You know, the real reason why I was asked to come here was because I took part of an undercover operation gone wrong and then right and then terribly wrong again. I was kidnapped, I was tortured… and the amount of permeant scars on my skin is nothing compared to the pain I felt when I learned that a fellow colleague had died saving me. I lost more than a few inches of perfect ivory skin… I lost more than a colleague, too. I lost a friend, I lost family… I lost hope."

She stopped for a moment and looked down at the floor.

"But I am still the bitch from before." Her voice was now raw and cold. "I am still the cold hearted bitch that put her life at stake so that she could catch the bad guy and keep your daughters, your sisters, your girlfriends, wives and mothers… alive."

She raised her head slowly and sighed deeply.

"I put my life at risk for you and all you did was judge."

She stood there for a moment, in complete silence, just looking at the crowd. The sudden change of pace and tone had shocked them. _Welcome to the Gail ride_, she thought to herself as she met eyes that had been cold as ice before and that were now begging for forgiveness. _I guess I finally did something to deserve your respect, huh?_

"But you didn't know, did you? You couldn't have. Yet, you couldn't also be sure I was really a bitch. I mean, I could be a hired actress playing the part of a lifetime. That never crossed your mind, did it? No, you simply judged me. You didn't even give yourself time to second-guess your own thoughts. No, you built them into an opinion and you stood strong by its side. I am not you, I am the _other_ and therefore I have to be the one to be wrong, I have to be the bad guy, I _have_ to be the one who doesn't _belong_. Never you, right? How does that make you feel now?"

_If only her mother was listening to this…_

"My name is Gail Peck and I am a cop. That is all that you know but that's not all that I am." She started again, quietly.

"I am a brat, yes. I am a rebel at heart, a cold bitch, trust me, I am hundred percent sure of that, but I won't think twice before standing between you and an aggressor, between you and a bullet."

She unbuttoned her blazer to show that she was wearing no vest.

"Yes, my name is Gail Peck and I am a cop. I can be rude and rather moody if you get my coffee wrong, but I will still take a bullet for you without thinking twice. Right now. Right here."

She brought a hand to rest upon her chest, over her heart.

"I, Gail Peck, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a lover… I would die for you."

The silence was full of unspoken confessions. There were people looking down at their hands, others placing comforting hands on their backs… they were now at the stage when they started judging themselves.

Gail knew exactly how they felt. For the past few days she had been trying to avoid herself, trying to avoid her own thoughts. She had tried to exhaust herself to the point of not being able to think clearly and yet, every single time she found herself in bed, she just couldn't fall asleep, she just couldn't hide from herself anymore… and then everything had come tumbling down.

"I have bad days. God, I have more bad days than good ones, to be honest. And that's mostly my fault. I make mistakes, I make bad choices. I run, I avoid, I hide, I say the wrong thing every single fucking time… I can be cruel with words, I can hurt feelings, I can make people cry and break hearts… including my own. And yet, even on my worst day, I would still die for you."

Gail removed Jerry Barber's badge from inside her blazer's pocket.

"I, as my friend Jerry Barber did for me, would die for you without thinking twice."

She closed her hand tightly around it as she stared back at the audience.

"That's what we cops do. We leave our loved ones, we leave ourselves, so that we can make sure that you and yours arrive home safely. We know we might not come back, and yet we get out of bed every single morning, we kiss our loved ones a _see you later_ and we go back out on the streets to make sure the word _accident_ doesn't ever cross your mind, your path, your porch."

_You are actually making your way down a tree you chose to climb, Gail Peck. Well done._

"And I don't have to be a specialist in reading micro expressions, even though I am. I don't have to be fluent in five languages, even though I chose to be. I don't have to know sign language, even though my childhood so demanded. I don't have to know how to swim or sing or cook, even though it does come in handy at times. I don't need any of those things, which I am still glad for, to listen. To see. I just have to choose to."

She removed her own badge from the other pocket and set them both on the floor. There she was, naked to the bone. This was Gail Peck. Not the cop, just the person.

"If there's something I've learned from this job is that people are never _just_ people. You never truly know what's going on inside their minds till they decide to let you in. And even when they do, sometimes it's hard for them to speak up, to put their thoughts into words and their feelings into coherent sentences. And that… the taking time, the caring, the listening, the paying attention… that's what makes you a savior, that's what makes _us _saviors. Staying. Giving an opportunity. You know, trying is _the_ first step on the sometimes long stairwell of achievement."

_If only she listened to her own advice…_

"Tomorrow is only a today away. So stop. Forgive. Reach out. Give the benefit of the doubt and you will stop being one of 7 billion or so silent killers out there."

She found Theresa's face amongst the crowd and the pride in her eyes was so evident it shocked her.

"At the end of the day we are nothing but constellations of scars, you know? So next time you open your mouth to speak, think twice. We all have our ghosts. But if you, by any change or because you are simply like me, happen to find yourself with a mild case of _foot-in-the-mouth_ syndrome, just apologize. Say you are sorry. Say it again and again. Or it will eat you up right from the inside. Trust me, I would know."

"We forgive you for being a bitch." Someone yelled from the back of the room making everyone laugh.

"Why, thank you. Am afraid that is the least of my worries at the moment, though."

She said with a shrug before looking down at her watch, suddenly realizing that her time had been up quite a few minutes ago.

"Ops. I believe I got slightly carried away, huh? Well, I guess that's all folks."

She was standing exactly on top of the stairs, about to go down, when a thought crossed her mind. _Let the lightness return…_

"Ah, and if you are still wondering about the suit and the shoes. I could totally run a marathon in these." Gail smiled as the crowd laughed. _Back at being a bitch with an attitude playing the clown_. "Thank you for your attention and don't forget… you don't know anyone but yourself. So be kind and you might avoid a tragedy."

"She's good. She's really good. Damn, she is really fucking good. I was certainly not expecting this…" Lisa said to no one in particular as she got up to join everyone in a standing ovation to Gail's speech. _Assumptions_, Lisa thought as she shook her head and raised her hands to applaud the _beat_ _cop_ she had painted in her head.

Holly had left her seat the moment Gail had set foot at the top of the stairs and she was now walking towards a Gail that seemed about to be swallowed by _fans_. The thought made the brunette smile. Who knew that was even a concept that made sense when in relation to Gail Peck, huh?

"I changed my mind." Holly said as her hand came to rest gently on Gail's arm, calling for her full attention. She then leaned over slightly so that her mouth stood close to the blonde's ear. "There's something of yours I wouldn't mind sharing."

Gail, finally getting caught up with what was going on, found Holly's eyes in an instant. There was something different in them… a _twinkle…_

Gail's look of confusion was beyond _adorable_.

"I would definitely adore wearing your skin over mine."

* * *

><p>You know, I have a feeling I could end this story <em>right<em> here. It's not what I had planned, but it doesn't sound half bad.

What do you think?


	7. Salty Sweet

I know the speech wasn't everyone's cup of tea. I know that many of you were expecting something different. That was what I came up with, though. I have this thing with the concept of _silent killers_. They are basically everywhere. They don't shoot you but they are the kind of people who give you the gun and say, _do it_. And that might even happen without them saying one single word. It's rather scary because you won't find them, the clues won't lead you to them... They are basically never present but always there, you know? Those nagging voices inside our heads. AND… I am getting all emotional and creepy over this again. RIGHT.

Anyway, thank you so much for the support. Your reviews made me smile. You truly are THE best. THANK YOU. Honestly.

And because you are all so lovely… here's another chapter Hope you like this one!

P.S. The whole thing about this sort of speech not fitting the type of conference will be explained on the 2nd day of the conference, if we ever get there!

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><p>"Holly, I don't mean to be rude or anything, but…"<p>

_Always a but_, Holly thought to herself as she took one small step back, the hand that had been resting on Gail's arm instantly losing contact with the other woman's pale skin. _And instantly missing it, craving it even. _She was ready to face rejection. _Again._

For a moment Gail couldn't understand the sudden change on Holly's features. What had caused the extreme makeover? _Sadness. _She had missed the reading of sadness for less than a millisecond. It was only when Holly took that one step back as she gave one of her _I-understand-and-I-am-going-to-back-away-now_ smiles that she finally realized what was going on. _This is not how we are going to do this. Not today._

"No, no, no… Wait!" The blonde reached out for Holly's hand just as the brunette was about to turn away. "Please, for the love of everything, stop." There was desperation in the blonde's voice. She was not about to lose the territory she had just conquered back only moments ago. No, _not this time_.

"Look, all I was going to say was that the _wearing your skin over mine _line was a bit creepy, even coming from you." She said as she tugged at the brunette's hand, pulling her slightly closer. "Actually, now that I have given it some more thought, it's even creepier coming from you as I have seen you work at the morgue and you are _Frankenstein_-ly good. If there's someone in this world that could pull off the whole _your skin over mine_ thing without being caught, that someone is you…" A small smile returned to Holly's face as she squeezed the blonde's hand. "Hey, it was a beautiful metaphor. And quite a flashback to that one day when you left me inside the closet." Gail couldn't help but laugh as Holly rolled her eyes in despair before swatting at her arm.

"You are insane. You know that, right?"

Ah, the exact same crooked grin followed the exact same line that had in the past followed their very first kiss. Well, it had been more of a small peck than anything else, but it had been _something_, a prologue before the very first chapter. And they seemed to be about ready to start chapter two after a minor pause that could certainly be blamed on the word _misunderstanding._

Blue eyes met chocolate brown ones and Gail couldn't help but start leaning closer. She could feel the butterflies being reborn in her stomach. She couldn't believe this was about the happen. _It is almost too good to be true_, she found herself thinking just as a second pair of arms – or better yet, a _third_ – came to wrap itself around her waist from behind. She was still close enough to feel Holly's sigh on her lips. _Damn_.

"Gail Peck, you were beyond brilliant." Theresa said proudly, pressing yet another kiss to Gail's cheek before pulling away. The lack of response from her blonde friend and her apparent tense shoulders made her move so that she was standing right next to her instead of behind. "Is something wrong?" She asked before following Gail's gaze, finding herself staring at Holly. _Ops._ "I am interrupting something again, ain't I?"

"Timing was never your thing, Theresa. Till this day I still can't understand how you seem to have survived this long without being punched by someone _right_ in the face. It's truly a miracle."

"Oh please. It's scarcely a miracle. You were always there to scare the thoughts of punching away. That and you were also mostly the one doing the whole thinking about punching me thing. It was always quite a safe bet." Theresa instantly replied, causing Gail to raise an eyebrow at how quick she had been to come up with a smartass answer. _She forgets I learned from the very best._ "Anyway, I am truly sorry about this. Shall I leave and let you two go back to whatever you were doing or planning on doing?" She asked, her eyes moving from one woman to the other as if she was watching a tennis match.

Gail simply rolled her eyes.

"Theresa, just shut up for a minute and meet the smartest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing. This is _my _Holly, I mean Dr. Stewart… or just Holly, I guess." _Smooth, Gail, very smooth._ Well, at least Holly was grinning at her again. That was something.

"Ouch, Peck. That was harsh. It actually hurt." Theresa brought her hand up to her heart, pretending to be truly heartbroken. "But what hurts the most is that you are probably right." She said with a sigh before turning to face Holly. "So glad you decided to come, Dr. Stewart. It's definitely a pleasure to finally meet you in person!"

It was Gail's time to watch the tennis match. Why was Holly staring at Theresa as if she had just been announced as the new shinny planet on the solar system? And why was Theresa's twinkle back? What exactly was going on? What was she missing?

"Wait, do you know her? I mean, you know Holly?" Gail finally asked, pointing from one woman to the other and back again, as if trying to find some sort of invisible cord of connection that would explain everything.

"If I know her? Darling, she's from Forensics. Of course I know her! We have exchanged a few emails a while black, actually. I've kept my eye out for her ever since."

"You have?"

_Why was Holly, queen-of-rambling Holly, using so little words? And why did she look like she was about to drool all over Theresa? Wait, was this one of those fangirl attacks that Oliver kept talking about? Because Holly's face was looking a lot like the photos Oliver had shown Gail of his girls while in line to go see One Direction live._

"Indeed, I have! That was why I invited you to come, silly." Theresa said, her hand finding her way to Holly's arm for a moment, making the brunette instantly look down.

"You… you were the reason why I was called in?"

_Why so many questions, Holly? Why are you acting like a child who can't seem to believe she got exactly what she asked for for Christmas? Pull yourself together, Holly. It seems like you have forgotten that you are no longer 18 and starting your university life where everything is shiny and new and exciting. You are a Doctor, Holly. You have a PhD. Just like Theresa. Breathe. But then again, she must have quite a few by now, no? _

"Afraid so. They told me I could choose at least two people. I decided to go with you and Peck. Oh, by the day, do accept my apologies for the late call. Your name has been on the papers ever since this conference was born, but I couldn't call you to let you know because then Gail would find out and I couldn't have her find out earlier than the day before or she would totally freak out on me. She was never into public speaking, you know? She always had to get a little something for every single lecture I asked her to help me with."

_Too much and yet not enough information at the same time, Theresa!_ Gail thought to herself as she glared at the older woman.

"Oh, don't you look at me like that. We lived together for a while, Holly. Did Gail tell you that?" Gail closed her eyes for a moment and brought one of her hands up to cover them. "She called these things, these conferences, _socially awkward events_. At first I kind of accepted it. I mean, we all have our ghosts, right Gail?" The blonde simply grumbled in response. "But then everything became a _socially awkward event_, even the family dinners we kept being asked to attend." When Gail opened her eyes Holly was shamelessly staring at her in confusion. "You did always come up with the most interesting excuses, though. I must confess I was a bit jealous of your incredible imagination and of how quick you were on your feet even when dealing with Elaine Peck, The Great. That and your good looks, of course."

"Theresa. You are rambling. _Like_, non-stop. I haven't told Holly a thing for until a moment ago I didn't even know you two knew each other. Anyway, back to the rambling thing. I know you. What the hell are you hiding?"

"What? Me? Oh, nothing. I do have to run now, though. Coffee break is almost over and I am in terrible need of caffeine. See you two for dinner?"

"You want me to come as well?"

"Of course I do! Wear something nice, will you? And you Peck, try and look less fabulous, okay? First the brilliant girlfriend, now the looks… you are making it hard for me not to want to be you." And with that, and a wink of course, Theresa left.

"What did she just say?" Gail asked after quite a few moments of silence.

"Was she trying to tell me something about the way I dress?"

Unbelievable. Theresa had just called Holly Gail's girlfriend and yet everything the brunette seemed to have heard had been the stupid comment about the _wearing something nice_ for dinner._ Which kind of reminds me..._

For the first time that day Gail actually took a moment to study Holly. She was wearing leather pants with a blouse that reminded her of the outfit she had worn to the wedding. Her hair was falling lovingly over her shoulders and her nerd glasses that Gail seemed to adore so much were sadly nowhere to be seen. She looked positively _delicious_.

"Gail?"

"You know, I am pretty sure she just wants to see how you look in a dress." Gail said after clearing her throat and focusing her eyes back on Holly's face.

"What?"

"I am just saying, Holly. You have the whole _never ending legs_ thing going on. She probably just wants to see them." The blonde shrugged, bringing her hands to her pant suit's pockets.

"Says the woman that could have saved everyone from Titanic by just showing up wearing that _thing_." Holly allowed herself to follow her finger's movements as she drew a circle in the air and around Gail's… well, _wholeness_. It was so whole it was actually distracting.

"What?"

"Oh, nothing really. Just something Rachel said. I found it to be quite an interesting and visual metaphor."

"Rachel? Really?" Gail asked, raising an eyebrow as she tried to read Holly's face. She would have to write the word _tried_ in bold though because Holly seemed way too inside her own thoughts to let anything out.

"Yes. I think she has a thing for you."

Gail's laugh brought her back to reality.

"Are we talking about the same Rachel? _Your_ Rachel? _Lisa_'s Rachel?" Gail asked half-incredulously once she realized that Holly wasn't kidding about the whole thing.

"Look, Gail, I really think we should talk…" Holly started, her eyes catching the sight of her friends walking towards them. Another sigh.

Gail turned around half ready to see Theresa walking back towards them. Instead, she had to confess she was half disappointed and worried about the sight of Lisa and Rachel approaching.

"Of course. After dinner, perhaps?" Gail ventured.

"Definitely."

"It's a date then." She said with a smile before turning around so that she was standing by Holly's side and in front of the freshly arrived Rachel and Lisa.

"Gail."

"Lisa. Rachel. Sorry about before. I was a bit nervous about the whole talking thing…"

It wasn't a lie. She had indeed been nervous about the whole talking thing… about the whole talking to Holly again thing.

"It's okay. Look… I wanted to say…." Lisa started. "I listened, okay? I listened."

"Thank you."

"Gail? You could totally be the reason behind Darth Vader's burns. You truly look smoking hot in that suit. Not that I ever doubted Holly's taste when it came to women…"

"Rachel. Stop." Lisa said, grabbing the other woman by the arm and taking her back to their seats. _That was a start,_ Lisa thought to herself as she looked over her shoulder just in time to see Gail turn back towards Holly.

"Was your friend hitting on me?"

"I was just wondering the exact same thing, actually. Anyway, I call dibs. I saw you first."

"Oh you did, did you?"

"Okay, _technically_ you saw me first, yes."

"Technically? Holly, you walked by me with your lunchbox in hand and you didn't even pay attention to what I was saying. You basically ignored me."

"But then I saw you and I talked to you. I gave you _guarida_ and fed you cheese puffs and freshly brewed coffee. AND." Holly pressed a finger carefully against Gail's chest. "I went to a wedding for you even though I kind of truly hate those things."

"You do remember that I basically had to pay you to stay, don't you? AND." She mimicked Holly's movements from just a moment before. "You ate half my cheese puffs. I don't share food!"

"First, _missy_, those were _my_ cheese puffs. _I_ shared them with _you._ And 5 dollars? Really? Do I look that cheap?"

Gail grinned before accepting Holly's cue to look at her from head to toe. _Again._ She took her time, taking in every single inch of a body she had already known better than her own.

"You know, I am really glad Theresa invited us both for dinner. I am glad she's paying or I would have to call mother dearest and ask her for a loan."

"Why? Is your current budget that _low?"_

"It kind of depends on the forms of payment you accept, really."

"I might be open to suggestions…"

"And I think we should discuss these _openness's_ of yours also after dinner for apparently there's another lecture about to start and your nerd minions will riot if you don't take any notes."

"You are probably right." Holly said as she finally felt strong enough to look away from Gail for a while, noticing that everyone else was returning to their seats."

"What do you mean, _probably_? Of course I am right!"

"You're insufferable. You're an insufferable human being… without a seat."

"_Right_. I will figure something out, don't you worry."

"You know, there's always the odd looking guy sitting in the corner all by himself…" Holly joked, accepting the arm Gail had just offered to lead her back to her seat.

"You were listening, huh?"

"To your _every_ word."

"Right. Huh… I am going to help him find his _next_ victim. Don't you worry, though, I will keep you off the list."

"So considerate of you!"

"Shut up or I will tell him your room number."

"If only you knew it."

"If only I wasn't a cop."

"Fair point."

"Anyway, it's about to start. I will leave you to whatever nerds do when nerds listen to other nerds talking. It's almost like a… nerdfest, isn't it?"

"Go away."

By this point they had reached Holly's row. Apparently Lisa and Rachel had moved so that she got to keep the one right next to the corridor.

"Yes, ma'am." Gail nodded cordially and was already a step away when she felt a hand grabbing hers.

"Hey, but I will see you later, right?"

"Unless that guy kills me, you surely will. And even if he does, I guess you will see me even sooner. And naked. So… it's really a win/win situation."

And then Gail left. With a wink, of course.


	8. Paying Attention

I almost didn't write this chapter because I should be asleep. I was actually going to wait until Monday to post a new thing and was totally going to skip the lecture, for lectures don't seem to be my thing. But then I opened a new word document and this happened. I was supposed to be writing my thesis, but Holly and Gail are way more interesting at the moment.

I truly hope the comment I posted with the latest chapter didn't hurt anyone's feelings. Not that I think I can hurt anyone's feelings with fanfiction, even though I know it is indeed a possibility for I too am a reader, but anyway, I didn't mean to sound rude or anything. I truly understand. Seriously. I appreciate all the feedback you guys give me.

Speaking of which, to the guest who is concerned about the whole Theresa and Gail living together thing, no need to worry! It will be explained soon! It's not what you think ;)

Anyway, here it is. Just some fluff, really. It was fun to write. Not sure there will be any other chapters till Monday, though, but we will see!

Have a nice weekend!

P.S. This is slightly smaller, I know. Sorry.

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><p><em>And then Gail left. With a wink, of course. <em>

This was something that both Gail and Theresa seemed to do. It was _their_ thing. They had a _thing. _

Holly had to confess she was slightly confused about the whole history between Gail and Theresa. Was _history_ even the right word? She really couldn't tell. Had something happened between the two? They seemed rather at ease around each other… always bantering, always groaning at one another, always _touching_… Ah, the whole touching thing was driving Holly absolutely insane. Then again, Theresa seemed to be the one doing the whole touching thing, or at least the one _initiating_ it. Gail didn't really seem into it. Actually, now that Holly gave it some thought as she chewed on the back of her pen, she had never seen Gail be too much into touching… unless… well, unless she was touching _her_.

That thought brought a warm smile and an also quite warm color to her face. She was blushing and she knew it… and she loved the reason behind it. Wait, had she actually used the word _loved?_

She was deeply lost considering the pros and cons of having used the word _loved_, even if just inside her head, when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket. _She is onto me_, she heard herself say in her head. She almost fell off her seat when she realized that the text message was indeed from none other than her _favorite officer._

"_Apparently he is not really looking for a first or next victim. He's also not wondering why everyone is sitting in the middle. He's truly just sleeping."_

"_I see you have finally found your phone."_ She found herself typing. She then let it brew in her mind for a moment before deciding on deleting it and replacing it with a simple, _"Shhhh. I am trying to focus here."_ Now that was bound to make her smile. The other thing was better to save for _the talk_ as she was afraid Gail would freak out on her if she started hinting at the amount of stupid things they had done, and said, to each other.

"_Oh yes. You seemed awfully focused just a moment ago as you bit on that poor pen of yours while staring at only god knows what. Or who. You are not going straight on me, are you? Because I must warn you that that guy is not even cute. He is indeed a nerd, but definitely not a cute one… at least not nearly as cute as you are."_

Holly had to stop herself from laughing at the whole _going-straight-on-me_ line. Apparently Gail was also worried about losing her, even if her choice of words revealed everything but deep sentiment. That was the thing about Gail, though… she wasn't really the kind of person who would send you a thousand red roses, but she could truly make you feel like the fairest of them all. It might sound rather corny, but Holly knew it to be unquestionably true. Gail knew precisely how to make someone feel special, unique even… or perhaps that was a skill she reserved _just_ for her. _Now that would definitely be okay with me._

"_First, why are you saying all these words? You do know that texts are meant to be short. If you are aiming at something longer, you should just call."_

The reply came so fast that Holly didn't even have enough time to look up from her phone and pretend to be paying attention. But then again, why would anyone be looking at her, right?

"_Can I call you?"_

Holly rolled her eyes, a small smile tugging at the corners of her mouth, before typing a quick response.

"_Now right now. I am busy."_

She then raised her head from her phone. There were pictures of dead… _Wait, what exactly are those?_ Well, dead… _things _being projected behind the speaker_. _Whatever they were, they were certainly not human. For a moment Holly actually felt guilty for not being paying attention… she had no idea of what was going on. As she looked at Rachel and Lisa she found them to be fully focused. Perhaps she could ask for their notes by the end? What would she say? _Sorry, was too busy flirting with Gail?_ But then again, what were dead non-human things doing at a lecture about the psychology of the victim?

"_How come you are so busy? You are definitely not taking your sweet time replying. You don't even have time to raise your head from your phone!"_

Holly raised an eyebrow suspiciously as she looked back down at her phone. She then pretended to be looking for a better and more comfortable siting position, taking the opportunity to study her surroundings and to try to find Gail.

"_What are you talking about? Are you sitting at the corner? How do you know what I am doing?"_

"_You are the one who needs glasses. Or did, anyway. I had been wondering about that, actually. Have you found a miraculous cure to your terrible sight?"_

"_Yes. I like to call it contact lenses."_

When had she become so quick on her feet? She had always been good at any sort of argument, for she seemed to have an answer to everything just about ready on the tip of her tongue, but nowadays she barely had to think. It just came out. Apparently Gail was upping her game and Holly was more than ready to rise to the occasion.

"_Ah ah ah. You are so funny I might die."_

Holly's phone was still loading the previous text when she felt it vibrate again.

"_See what I did there?"_

_Eager, are we? _Holly couldn't help but smile as she put her pen down over her notebook so that she could type using both her thumbs.

"_You seem terribly amused for someone at a lecture about the psychology of the victim."_

"_Wait, are you actually paying attention? I might have to declare you queen of the nerds for the whole multitasking thing."_

"_It's written on the program, Gail."_

"_So you are not the queen of the nerds?"_

"_It all depends. What do I get for being the queen?"_

"_I wouldn't know, I am not a nerd."_

"_Well, you are a police officer. Figure it out."_

Holly only noticed what she had just done seconds after pressing send. She actually considered getting up and making her way towards Gail to apologize but she still wasn't sure about where exactly the blonde was sitting and she would probably call for too much attention. She quickly typed an apology.

"_That… it didn't come out right... I am sorry."_

"_Don't worry nerd. I am going to let you pay attention now."_

Gail was actually going to let her pay attention? After spending all this time stopping her from doing so? _Well done, Holly, she's now about packed and ready to leave you again_.

"_Gail. It was just a joke, truly. I didn't mean to..."_

"_Chill, Lunchbox. I am just going to take that nap you mentioned earlier."_

She had to smile at the fact that Gail had just called her _lunchbox_. It was the first time she used that nickname after the whole bar incident. They seemed to be _okay._ Then why did Holly feel like they weren't? They still had to have _the talk,_ but Holly felt rather hopeful about the whole thing. It had just been a stupid misunderstanding. She missed Gail. She missed touching her, kissing her, waking up to her smile before it turned into a frown once she realized it was morning… she missed everything. She couldn't afford to lose Gail again. She just _couldn't._

"_You are not going to run away from me again, are you?"_

"_You do know that blonde is not really my natural hair color, right?"_

That was indeed rather obvious. And yet Holly had to confess that that too was something she wanted to know about. There was probably going to be a long story behind it because this was Gail they were talking about. Or perhaps she just woke up one day and felt like changing and decided to stick to it. No matter what the right answer was, she still wanted to know. She wanted to know _everything_ about Gail. Her every story, her every fear, her every wish… her every _desire._

"_A simple no would do, you know?"_

"_But where would be the fun in that, nerd?"_

Holly shook her head gently in fake dissatisfaction.

"_Sleep."_

"_Come be my big spoon?"_

"_Gail. We are at a lecture."_

"_Oh, so that's the only thing stopping you. Good to know."_

_Insufferable. _That had to be Gail's middle name.

"_You sneaky little thing."_

"_Oh, you know you love me. Now shush. Focus."_

And you know what? Gail was probably right about that. _Definitely right, _actually_._


	9. Favorite Nerd

I know this is a rather strange hour to post a new chapter but I have a feeling that the next few days are going to be complicated. My grandfather passed away today and my best friend from London is coming to stay with me for a couple of days. I am really not sure if there will be time to post new chapters but I will surely keep writing… Holly and Gail are probably the only thing keeping me sane at the moment. Sigh.

Anyway, thank you – AGAIN and ALWAYS – for your support.

Hope you enjoy! Have a fantastic week!

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><p>Gail knew that it was bound to happen. A day was sure to come when they would, somehow, end up saying the words that had brought them once apart. She knew it was bound to happen but she wasn't expecting it to be this soon. She also wasn't expecting it to hurt this much.<p>

Truth was, it hadn't really been the _"Well, you are a police officer. Figure it out." _text that had hurt her, it had been the one that had followed it almost instantly. It broke her heart to feel Holly so insecure. Ever since she had met the brunette she always seemed to have everything under control. And when she didn't? Well, she tended to do a lot of rambling. A lot _a lot_. That was a fact and a fact that Gail knew exactly how to deal with, exactly how to respond to. This time though, this time Holly's reply screamed panic. It was so loud that for a moment Gail had gone deaf to the rest of the world. _What have I done?_

Gail was more than used to backfire. Both literally and metaphorically speaking, she was way more than used to it. If degrees were accredited for things like these, she would have a PhD on PhDs on backfire. If that was a thing, it would certainly be _her_ thing.

She couldn't really tell when exactly it all had started, but if she were to make a guess, she would point at the moment when she, for the first time, was read her rights by her mother. _Anything you say or do may be used against you in a court of law_. She had probably heard that sentence more times than her own name. At some point in her adolescence she had actually considered changing her name to Miranda as an affront to her mother. Yes, she would have needed her parents' consent, but by then she was so good at faking her mother's signature that no one would even have noticed till after she had gotten away with it.

The right to a lawyer had never been mentioned, though. She had never been given the opportunity to defend herself. Instead, she was taught to listen and to swallow every single one of the words that kept biting at her tongue to be let out. And if she, by any chance, did say them, a severe punishment would follow.

Now she understood why she had never been allowed an attorney. Why just now? For this was the very first time her words had caused pain to someone she cared _deeply _about. If only she had ran away without saying a thing! Yes, it would still be uncalled for, but at least it would be easier to deal with the consequences and to repair the damaged caused. It was too late now. It was too late to take it back, and she was agonizingly aware of it. If this was indeed a case meant for court, she would just plead guilty without asking for lawyer. Even if attributed one, she would probably just reject the said person for it wouldn't make sense for in her mind she was beyond guilty. That was probably what her mother had been trying to teach her... that one day she wouldn't be able to take it back, that one day she wouldn't be able to simply change phone numbers or addresses or friends… that one day she would have to live with her regrets in the eyes of her loved one.

_Loved one._

It had already come to that, hadn't it? She was, for the very first time in her life, completely and irrevocably in love with someone. It wasn't just a crush or lust or longing for a warm body, an easy ear and a sweet mouth, no… she had fallen head over heels. She was infatuated, captivated, smitten… As clichéd as it might sound, Holly had stolen her heart right from her very chest. And, for the very first time in her life, she had allowed the brunette to take it without thinking twice, without even pondering where the simple gesture would lead her. There had been no second-thoughts. She had woken up one day and she hadn't known Holly Stewart. And then she had met her. And then everything had changed and it was all so different and so beautiful and so full of light… and Gail had always loved the dark for it had always been her safety. And so she had become scared, scared of going back to a truth that had been all she had had for years. She had been so scared that she had fallen back into it without needing any help or push.

That was the truth. She knew exactly why Holly had said what she had said. She knew the words had meant nothing or simply whatever she chose them to mean. At this point she could honestly confess that she would have probably done the same if in Holly's shoes. But back then things were different. She had been shot at. She had almost lost her friends. And, as every single time something bad happened around her, she had taken the blame and so she had wished to have taken the fall. It should have been her. She should have been the one to be shot in the neck. She should have been the one at the hospital fighting for her life. Whether she died or not, it wouldn't mess with the balance at the 15th. Or so she thought. Or so she hoped. Or so she believed.

_But it wasn't me…_

That was why she had shot herself with the first gun she had gotten a hold of. And that very first gun had been Holly's words. But it had _backfired_. They seemed to be pressing just the right amount of strength over the wound, but she knew that sooner or later they had to release and check the damaged arteries. And that was going to hurt like a bitch. Still, for the very first time in her life, she felt ready to deal with the mess she had created. Yes, it was going to be bloody, but she hoped she could find the bullet soon enough as to stich everything right back together. Yes, there would be scars behind… but what are scars if not reminders that we were once alive? That we were once perhaps so in love that it scared us raw for a minute?

"Excuse me, Miss Peck? Would you mind?"

The stranger's voice brought her back from a train of thought that she had yet to figure out whether it would lead to a wreck or a successful mission.

"Aren't you in too much of a hurry for someone who just spent the past few hours perfectly asleep?" Gail said as she looked up, her eyes recognizing the _odd looking guy standing in the corner all by himself_.

"I am sorry, Ma'am, but I really must hurry, so if you wouldn't mind…"

That was when Gail realized that she had been sitting in quite a pondering position. Her legs were stretched so that her feet met the back of the seat in front of her. Her head was resting against the mid-back of her own seat and her arms were perfectly placed over the seats own, her hands coming to meet each other in middle.

"I'm late. I'm late. For a very important date. No time to say _Hello_, _Goodbye_. I'm late, I'm late, I'm late." Gail sang theatrically as she moved her legs so that he could leave their row without making too much of an effort.

"Alice in Wonderland. 1951. Beautiful voice, by the way." The stranger said once on the other side, apparently forgetting his hurry for a moment. "You know, just for the record, I wasn't sleeping during your speech."

"Hey, no hard feelings. I would have slept through my own speech if I could." She said blatantly.

"No. Honestly. _You_ were the very reason I came." And with that he left.

Gail's eyes followed the stranger as he abandoned the room, her body completely frozen in place even after he was completely out of sight. What had he meant by _you were the very reason I came_?

"Gail? Are you all right?"

"What…?" Gail started, only then looking away from the door and towards the face that accompanied the very familiar and warm voice. "Oh, hi. Yes. Right. Huh, what did you say, exactly?"

"I asked you if you were all right…? But you seem to have answered my question without really meaning to." Holly raised an eyebrow suspiciously. "What is going on?"

"Oh, just the sleeping dude… I am no longer sure if he wasn't indeed looking for his first or next victim. But no need to worry, if he is indeed a murderer, he seems to have chosen me as his victim, so we are good."

"Gail, don't you even joke about that! And _we_ would be so _not_ good." Holly said as she reached for one of Gail's hands, lacing their fingers. "What exactly did he say?"

"No need to worry, nerd. We have put officer awesomeness on the case. Everything will be fine." The confidence in Gail's voice didn't seem to convince Holly and so the blonde started gently caressing the brunette's thumb with her own. "He said something weird but I will think about it later, okay? It's nothing serious. I am pretty sure they checked every single attendee, so… Anyway, how did you find the lecture? Interesting?" She wanted to change the theme and to wash all the worry away from Holly's face. Truth to be told, she almost made it. There was now a beautiful smile on the other woman's face but there was also still a glint of worry in the corner of her eye.

"Oh yes! It was quite something. I seem to have been so transfixed by it that I ended up forgetting to take notes."

"Oh lord! Your nerd minions are probably organizing a rebellion right now. Should we run and hide?"

"If only we could…" Holly's voice was barely a whisper as the brunette looked down as if looking for a hole to squeeze into with Gail and disappear. A rabbit hole, perhaps? Too much of a coincidence?

"Hey, there's no need to panic." Gail said, moving her free hand to Holly's chin, bringing her eyes up to meet hers. "You can have my notes, if you want. I do seem to have gotten rather lost near the end but I am sure by then you were already back from your state of utter transfixion…"

"Gail Peck. Were you taking notes while _flirting_ with me?"

"Of course I was. The topic was rather interesting and I kinda only need one thumb to type and that left me with a free hand that I had to keep under control while thinking of you, you know? So I took notes." The look on Holly's face, of both astonishment and suspiciousness, brought a smile to Gail's face. "I am used to being surrounded by many people and having to select just what to listen and to keep. I work with Chloe, remember? One has to know how to multitask if one wants to get anything done at that Station."

"So I guess that makes _you_ the queen of the nerds…?"

"Wouldn't know. As I remember saying before, I am not a nerd."

"You know, I am not so sure of that anymore. You are presenting many of the usual symptoms associated with nerdiness."

Holly's playful wink made Gail roll her eyes, her smile still in place.

"Right. Another extremely important discussion that we must leave for some other time as my stomach seems to be announcing that it is time for lunch."

"Indeed it is. I would invite you to join me but…"

"Oh, no worries. I want to have _the talk_ before, anyway. If things don't work out it will save me from another missed opportunity to be at peace and on my own."

"Gail." Holly's tone was so full of everything that it made Gail get up from her seat and pull the brunette's body closer to hers.

"I am kidding, Holly. Seriously. We can do lunch tomorrow? If Lisa and Rachel are okay with it?"

"Okay…"

"Holly. It was truly just a joke. The only reason I am not joining you guys today is because I already promised Theresa I would have lunch with her. And trust me, you don't want to have her on your table."

For a moment Gail felt completely lost in Holly's face. She seemed… conflicted? Why was she conflicted about Theresa? Didn't she absolutely love her? It seemed like it. That was actually something that Gail was rather interested in. Why was Holly so enamored with Theresa? Was it her brain? It probably was. Then again, who wouldn't fall in love with Theresa's brain? _Anyone that sees Holly's and then notices her precious heart and goddess-like figure? _Touché.

_I wonder what Holly thinks of my brain…_ Too creepy? Probably so.

"Or perhaps you do? Wait, what's that face for? You are the one always drooling all over the woman and I am the one getting _the_ face? How come?"

"She spends too much time _touching_ you."

"Wait, are you jealous, Holly?"

"Me? As if! Of course I am." Holly blurted out.

"But Lunchbox, I only have eyes for you. You are _my_ favorite nerd. Of all nerds. Of all people, even. You are probably my very favorite person. _Of all times._"

"_Probably_?"

"I haven't had lunch yet, don't ask for too much of me."

And with that Gail left. This time not with a wink, but with a soft kiss. The blonde woman had leaned over and pressed her lips against Holly's cheek, lingering there for a moment before sighing and squeezing the brunette's hand.

It was quite a change and Holly had to admit she was rather fond of it.


	10. Blurted Confessions

Thank you for all your kind words and feedback. Writing this story is truly a pleasure. Sorry it took me so long. Writing does help me breathe... but it also takes my breath away every now and then.

Anyway, I truly hope you enjoy this!

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><p>Gail was blushing. She was blushing profusely and she was well aware of it. That was mainly why she had decided to go up to her room to freshen up before going to meet Theresa at the hotel's restaurant. She knew the other woman would read her instantly and she wanted to have some of her own questions answered first.<p>

_Get a grip, Gail. You are a Peck after all. Keep it together._

She couldn't, though. Not after having just told Holly that she was her very favorite person. Yes, she had dropped a _probably_ there somewhere, but she knew that that had just been her brain looking for at least one last little string of control.

_Lies. Lies. Lies._

Once inside her room, she finally allowed herself to raise her head from the floor, falling backwards on her bed, arms open, as if she were about to make a snow angel. She closed her eyes for a moment and felt the warmness return to her face as her mind took her through the moment she had just had with Holly.

_Who am I kidding? She is my favorite everything._

That thought made her heart skip a beat. And another. And _another._

_Am I dying?_

She couldn't remember the last time she had felt something like this. Had she _ever_ felt anything exactly like _this_ before? Had she ever been left completely speechless by someone's existence? Had her mouth ever gone entirely dry at the sight of someone?

_Holly._

She reached for her phone and went through the conversation she had had with the brunette during the lecture. She scrolled up and down and up again. Her grin growing as she became familiar with their shared words. She brought a hand up and covered her eyes as she felt it take over her whole face. And then there was a giggle. Gail Peck was indeed lying on her hotel's bed _giggling_ like a schoolgirl.

_I am in love with Holly Stewart._

_I am completely, utterly, irrevocably in love with Holly Stewart._

She almost didn't recognize her face when she saw her reflection in the bathroom's mirror. She looked happy. Well, she _felt_ happy. There was this inner warmness... this energy, this glow coming from the inside... it was overwhelming but at the same time so reassuring...

She could definitely get used to _this_... to _belonging_ somewhere, to _making sense_ by someone's side and not just on her own.

"Would it kill you to sound any less corny in your head?" Gail asked out loud before shaking her head at herself, her grin still in place.

After fixing her makeup, Gail finally decided she was ready to meet Theresa for lunch. She was already inside the restaurant, she had actually just found where the other woman was sitting, when she felt her phone vibrating in her pocket.

_"Lisa and Rachel are going out to buy dresses for tomorrow's closing ceremony. Apparently there's going to be a ball or something? Anyway, they are going to miss the next lecture. Come sit by me?"_

She might have chucked out loud. She might have then looked around to see if anyone had noticed before rolling her eyes at herself and going back to the whole _smiling like an idiot_ thing. This was something she was great at, apparently.

_"Someone once told me that texts are meant to be short."_

_Too much for self-control. _

Just seeing Holly's name on her phone made her smile. Ah, and it really hadn't been Holly's name but her nickname... she went by _Lunchbox_ on her phone. It only made it worse, really. It brought memories from the day they met and everything that had happened between that day and where they were today.

_She is going to be the death of me._

Little did she know that Holly was witnessing the whole reaction from the corner of her eye as she pretended to be paying attention to whatever her friends were telling her.

Gail was about to put her phone back in her pocket when it vibrated yet again, causing her to raise an eyebrow.

_"Not sure your beautiful face can handle me calling. And are your knees going weak on you or something? There has been a slight change to your righteous posture..."_

_"Creep."_

_"Learned from the very best. Come sit with me?"_

The slight change text-wise didn't go unnoticed by Gail.

_"You sure that's sensible? Shouldn't you try and focus on this next one?"_

_"Well, apparently you can multitask well enough for the both of us, so... I would very much enjoy having you close."_

Gail could almost feel the distance between them dissipating at every text.

_"You are just after some hard evidence on my mad skills, aren't you?"_

_"Be there and find out."_

By now Gail was already sitting down at their table but had yet to say a word to a Theresa that was watching her intently, as if she were her newest and most interesting case study.

When Gail finally moved her eyes away from her phone and found Theresa staring at her, she instantly cleared her throat and set it down.

"Well, hello to you too." Theresa said, tilting her head as if waiting for Gail to explain herself.

"You told her we lived together." Gail blurted out, bringing her hands together as she rested her elbows on the table.

"Right. You were never the one for small talk..."

"Theresa. We lived together for 48 hours because you were moving flats." Her tone was so matter-of-factly cold that it made the older woman laugh. It only lasted a moment though as Gail threw her a look that, if licensed to kill, would have brought her down there and then.

"We _still_ shared the same house for 48 _straight _hours... Everything I owned, except for my furniture, was at yours. That means that we _technically_ did live together." Theresa justified, grabbing her fork to poke at the fruit that stood on a plate in front of her.

"That's beside the point! She must think we have had... a _thing._" Gail's hands went theatrically up in despair, coming to rest upon her lap as she looked down, trying to come up with a reasonable explanation for their living situation.

"Ooooh, _she must think_! Lord, it's worse than I thought." The redhead said, bringing some apple to her mouth.

"Wait, what do you mean by that? What do you mean by _worse than I thought_? And how come you were even thinking about it in the first place?" Gail's eyes shot back up so fast that they went blurry for a moment for the quick change of blood pressure.

"Huh, Gail...? I basically think for a living? And I must be quite good at it for they are paying me the big bucks." She replied when she finished chewing on her apple, a proud smile on her face as the idea of her job filled her mind. _My one and only love..._

"Theresa! Focus. I meant about Holly."

"Oh right. About _your_ Holly, huh?" Theresa couldn't help but mess with the blonde. She had never been this easy to play with. It was adorable to see Gail all flustered. "When I called Holly's office for the first time to talk to her about this conference some guy from the morgue said she was out on a lunch-_date_ with a cop. I then called you at the Station and you too were out on a _date_ with the forensic pathologist. It was too much of a coincidence, you know? So I might have asked your colleague, the one that picked up, Chloe Price, I think? Well, I might have asked her to rephrase the whole _date_ thing for you were never really the lunch date kind of person. That was when she told me the whole Holly and Gail tale... It was rather..."

"I ruined everything." Gail blurted out. _Again._ What was going on? She usually enjoyed having Theresa trying to figure her out, to read her... She usually enjoyed challenging her friend, but somehow now she seemed just too eager for the redhead to jump in with some advice that she would probably end up ignoring but that would give her the courage she needed to act.

"You are going to add more information to that confession, aren't you? Because you two look very much like a couple on their honeymoon stage...? You know, just the kind of couple you usually spent your days complaining about? Oh, and making fun of, too."

"Her friends said I was uneducated. And that Holly should just have _her fun_ but to be careful not to get hurt in the process..."

"Wait there a sec. Why does that matter? Were you dating Holly or were you dating her friends?" Theresa couldn't help but raise an eyebrow in a rather suspicious manner. She didn't like what Holly's friends had said about _hers_, but what she was definitely not liking was the fact that Gail had allowed their words to affect her this much. This was not something she would expect from the _old_ Gail.

_My baby girl is in love._

"That's why I ruined everything. I didn't think... I just... I said terrible things and left."

"And she didn't come after you?"

"No. But who would, really? I mean, I was a cold hearted bitch. I didn't even give her enough time to explain."

"That's true. But still... you meant enough for her to want to introduce you to her best friends. Shouldn't she have stood up for her own feelings about _your_ relationship? Then again, you did say that your choice of words was rather heavy..."

"Where exactly are you going with this?"

"You are both to blame. And the situation? It's called a _misunderstanding_. And quite a ridiculous one, to be honest. It usually happens when two people are so stupidly in love that context disappears... All they see is each other. So when things go bad? They never remember how it all started... or when... or who... all they know is that someone has to take the blame home. Hence the whole, _it's not you, it's me_. In this case, and according to what you have just told me, you two took the blame home... Even apart, you two seem to have decided to share. Interesting, huh?"

"Have you been dissecting relationships instead of dead bodies lately?"

"No. I am just a single woman - by choice, even if not _my_ choice - living in the middle of a married field of people." Theresa said with a simple shrug before bringing another piece of fruit to her mouth. As she chewed she couldn't help but wonder if there was something she could do to help the two.

Suddenly there was a smile. Pride. A conspiracy, perhaps?

_Oh, I know just what to do._


	11. Holding Hands

I am sorry it took me so long to update this story. I am back at work and I really need to finish this damn thesis, so. _Sigh_.

Anyway, I do believe we will be going out for dinner in the next chapter. EXCITING, huh? Or not.

AHEM. Thank you. Again. For your constant support. You guys are everything.

Here's to hoping you like this one!

P.S. To the guest that mentioned the whole _my one and only love_ thing: Theresa was actually talking about her job, not Gail :)

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><p><em>What exactly am I waiting for?<em>

Holly didn't know what to make of Gail's absence. Lunch had been over for quite a few minutes now. She knew this to be a fact for she had been one of the last people to leave. She had actually witnessed Gail and Theresa abandoning the restaurant. There had been no major touching activities... just the redhead's hand on the blonde's arm for barely a second as they took off in different directions.

_A see you later, perhaps?_

And yet... here she was. _Alone_.

The auditorium was still as half full as it was empty. There was plenty of time for the blonde to join her before the lecture actually started, but Holly just couldn't help but wonder... why wasn't Gail there already? What was the blonde up to? What was taking her so long? Holly herself had come running as soon as she had said goodbye to Lisa and Rachel. She wanted to spend as much time as she could with Gail. But she wasn't there yet...

_What does this mean? Does it mean anything? Does it have to?_

Holly was about ready to give up. Gail had never texted her back. Truth be told, she had meant her own text to be _the_ last, the full stop to a conversation she had meant to end with Gail by her side. If the blonde had replied they would probably still be texting by now and that was sure to drive Lisa and Rachel insane. As well as Theresa. Probably.

_Who knows, really?_

From what she had seen from the corner of her eye, Gail had barely eaten. _Her_ _Gail_. A food lover. Had barely eaten. Free food. That had to mean something, right? She had noticed that the redhead had been doing most of the talking... What had she said? What could have possibly kept Gail from eating her food? The blonde was always hungry, always craving something... what could have possibly made her lose her appetite? It had to be something _big._ Of that she was absolutely sure.

_The shooting._

That had been the first time Holly had seen Gail say no to food. She had completely dismissed dinner and opted for alcohol instead. She had tried to drown more than her own sorrows and had found out that they did indeed know how to swim. Like champions, really.

_Something terrible must have happened._

It would make sense, wouldn't it? Gail was a cop. Gail wasn't there. Gail hadn't eaten. Something terrible must have happened, right? That sounded logical. But why hadn't the blonde texted her? Then again, why would she?

_Why not?_

No, she definitely would.

_Right?_

Holly had been the first person the blonde had called after the whole shooting situation had been sort of dealt with. She had called her _in._ She had _let_ her in. She wouldn't simply forget to mention something terrible had come up just because they weren't dating anymore, would she? But then again, was it accurate to say that they were not dating? Had they ever been dating in the first place? Truth to be told, they had never really cared to define what they had. They had just known _it_ to be... to exist. And it had been _everything._

_It still was..._

She was deeply lost in thought, chewing on the end of her pen, _again_, when she felt a hand on her thigh.

"Earth to nerd? Hello?" Gail knocked softly on Holly's forehead with her free hand. "Please confirm existence."

The sudden touch had caused Holly to jump off her train of thought - and probably on her seat, too. It was unexpected and Gail could see that written all over the brunette's face.

_Surprise_.

For a moment Gail found herself yet again lost in Holly's expression. Hadn't she been waiting for her? Hadn't she invited her over? But then she looked closer just to realize that Holly had indeed been waiting, probably just for too long, probably wondering if she was ever going to come and join her.

She had squeezed Holly's thigh in reassurance as she had said the line that had originally been Holly's when she too found herself knocking at the door that led to a Gail deeply lost in her own thoughts.

That line, the _please confirm existence_ line, was just what Holly needed to hear. It was the reassurance of a touch that could easily be mistaken for nothing more than a sort of long-term sensory memory. Holly knew that scientifically speaking the sensory memory was indeed the shortest-term element of memory... but then again, couldn't whatever - for the lack of a better word as it has yet to be invented for love indeed felt slightly too small and corny - she felt for Gail expand her haptic memory? Being fully aware of the train of thought she had just abandoned, which Gail had masterly and most successfully brought to a smooth stop instead of a wreck, she knew that it was at least a possibility.

_She's here._

"I thought you weren't coming..." Holly's hand met Gail's above her thigh as her brown eyes met bright blue ones.

"And miss an opportunity to study a nerd in her natural habitat? No way."

There _it_ was. The insecurity that Gail hated so damn much. She couldn't believe that, _yet again_, she had been the cause of pain - even if just a slightly dim shadow of it. She truly couldn't stand the idea of hurting Holly. She had seen the consequences of it, she had faced them and she had held their hands against their will, fighting to take everything back. She had seen how she hadn't been able to erase them, to delete them, to go back in time to fix them... and it had scared the shit out of her. The only thing she could do now was make the next moment magnificent to the point of bringing their lowest to be nothing but a _thing_, just _something_ that happened once upon a time, probably more than a lifetime ago. _Still there_, yes. But _far away_.

"This is far from being my natural habitat. You know that, right?" Holly laced their fingers, their hands falling together perfectly, as if they had been made to fit in between each other.

"But it's still one of them. It's still a side of you. And I want to know them all."

"What happens when you run out?" Holly's tone was much lower than her usual. Almost as if she had just happened to voice one of her thoughts by mistake. And perhaps she truly had...

"Lunchbox, every day I seem to find something new about you. Every day you surprise me. So that's what I am going for. One day at a time."

"You didn't answer my question."

"Look Holly, every minute with you is an universe of possibilities. I feel like I am not just getting to know you, but getting to know myself as well. You don't make me _want_ to be a better person, you just make me be it_._ And you know what? That's not something that happens all the time. Most people take you for granted in such a way that you start feeling granted to yourself. But you... you make me feel like I am on the very edge of my seat. Yes, I might fall, but I might as well be falling to prove the rest of the world that I can indeed fly. And that will be because of _you_. And_ for_ you."

By now Gail's free hand was caressing Holly's cheek, tracing the lines of her face. There was a smile tugging at the corners of the brunette's mouth.

"Not exactly a fairytale..."

"But stillkind of beautiful_." _Gail said, finishing Holly's sentence as she brought their joined hands to her lips and kissed them gently.

"If you could all please find your seats... the lecture is about to start." They heard someone say at the microphone.

Gail smiled softly at Holly and placed yet another kiss upon their joined hands before letting go and sitting straight. She noticed Holly's change of posture at the loss of touch. That was why Gail leaned over slightly and whispered in her ear,

"I am right here."

Holly let out a breath she had been holding and nodded in acknowledgment before reaching for her note pad.

The lecture started.

_Gail watching Holly._

Gail didn't even open her notebook. Then again, if something caught her attention as being interesting she knew she could trust her mind to catalog it. Instead, though, instead of focusing on taking her notes, she decided to spend her time staring at Holly.

Gail didn't even try to pretend that she wasn't openly staring at the brunette. But then again, this is Gail Peck we are talking about. It's not like she really cares about what others think of her or of what she does. Unless those _others_ are Holly. But even then, even though she was always sure to give her every word and action an extra thought, she was always none other than herself.

She hadn't been polishing her corners to fit into Holly's life, to be what Holly wanted her to be. She had been way too busy being herself and completely oblivious about her feelings for the brunette. It had _just_ happened. She hadn't gone through the whole _should-I-kiss-her-or-should-I-wait-what-is-she-going-to-think_ phase. _No._ She had just gone for it when it felt right. Because it had felt more than absolutely right.

That was one of the great things about not expecting anything exciting from life. When it did happen, when it did surprise her - which had been quite a rarity till the moment she had laid her eyes on Holly -, it usually left her completely speechless, utterly breathless.

Holly was... she was undoubtedly smart. And in the sexiest way, too. There was confidence in her every word but her ego was not overwhelming. There was enough space to breathe, enough space for genuine interest. Truth be told, Gail was sure Holly wasn't aware of how smart she was... how intelligent she was. And it was such a stunning view. The excitement in her voice, also so visible in her eyes, when she spoke about all those nerdish things that she seemed to love so much.

_Her eyes._

They were as down to earth as Holly herself. And they smelled of chocolate... of comfort, of a place where you can be yourself. That was how Gail felt under Holly's gaze. She felt just _right_, right at home. They were safety. The amount of kindness in them was enough to have Gail drown. And there was also strength and reassurance. And hope. What else could anyone ask for, really?

And then there was her smirk, her lopsided grin, her crooked smile. That was something Holly seemed to reserve for Gail. It was her _I-see-you _smile. It always brought butterflies to Gail's stomach for she knew just how much the brunette did indeed _see her_ and how much she seemed to approve what she did see... and how much she seemed to long for it... and crave for it to the point of suddenly starting to bite on her lower lip, or chew on her pen, as she looked at Gail over her glasses.

And the hands... always sketching something on the air while she spoke. Almost as if she was designing or giving shape to a reachable version of whatever theory she was getting lost on. And when they were close... talking about everything and nothing... she was always drawing shapes or writing words with the tip of her fingers on Gail's pale skin. It was so common that Gail was almost sure that Holly wasn't really aware of it. It was apparently something her unconscious did and Gail had started taking notes of every single thing.

For the very first time in her life Gail understood the need for the existence of the word _perfection_. And for _the_ very first time she finally understood its meaning...

Perfection is not something you obtain, it's not something you fight for, you reach for... it's something you are by simply _being_, breath after breath.

Perfection lives in the uniqueness of the ordinary human being.

Perfectly flawed and yet flawlessly perfect.

That was Holly's existence.

Everything.

_Holly watching Gail._

Holly had gotten used to watching Gail from the corner of her eye. She wasn't surprise to catch the blonde simply staring at her. It was not a heavy stare, it was a lovingly one, it was a _I-want-to-know-your-every-inch-better-than-I-know-myself_ kind of stare. It brought a smile to Holly's face. Apparently Gail hadn't been lying when she had said that she only had eyes for her.

_And what eyes_.

So immensely blue. They reminded Holly of what she had felt the first time she had heard the word _universe_ and had been taught its meaning. She had felt so small, so lost, so... _right_, right at home. Somehow, she had been led to believe that the immensity was not something to fear, but something to cherish. There was space for her and she was just the right size, she was more than enough to occupy her own place. She _belonged._ Exactly as she was. There was no need to pretend, no need to be less morbid or less sporty or less nerdish... there was no need to be nothing other than who she was. That was how Gail made her feel. Their picture perfect came together with no need for any kind of editing.

Sure, they had been through some rough paths. Some terribly rough paths, even, but somehow they always ended up finding one another. It was like gravity pulled them together - or maybe they just defied it, maybe they were the exception to the rule. She was sure Gail would love that thought.

The blonde had by now told her many times, sometimes using words and sometimes using her whole self - proving to be way more skillful at the latter -, that this thing they had, this thing they were pursuing, was something she had never felt before. It had nothing to do with gender, with being a gay relationship - if that's even a thing -, it had to do with _them_ being _themselves_.

Yes, the fear of rejection remained, but it didn't stop them from being themselves, from doing, and saying, what they felt like. They were so real it got scary sometimes. Just like what had happened at the bar. Holly was being who she was when with her friends and Gail, slightly out of context, had gotten the wrong message. Gail hadn't known what to do and so she had recoiled to her _you-can't-hurt-me_ mask that meant exactly the opposite.

Holly did understand, but it had hurt like a bitch back then. She was finally introducing someone she loved to her friends, someone she cared deeply about, and Gail had run, proving just exactly what Lisa kept saying. And then Holly had to hear the whole_ you-can't-choose-women_ speech and had, after not hearing from Gail for a while, allowed herself to actually believe it and accept to being led again. But it still takes two to tango and that was exactly why they were at this point again.

Gail was the partner of a lifetime. And when you find the one who can dip you without flinching and/or breaking eye contract, that's when you know. And every replacement is just that... _a replacement_. And it doesn't feel right. And it isn't. And so you go back to the _start_.

_And speaking of it..._

Holly felt Gail nudging her with her elbow as she applauded. The lecture had ended.

"You know, you seem to take too little notes for an actively proclaimed nerd." Gail whispered as she leaned over again, still clapping.

"First, you were the one who crowned me as a nerd. Second, this _nerd_ had better things to think about."

"Oh really?" Gail asked, raising an eyebrow curiously as she went back to openly staring at Holly as the lecture was officially over and people were already abandoning the auditorium.

"Coffee."

"Huh, that's certainly more interesting than the lecture...?"

"No, I need coffee before going through that - _better things -_ path."

"Shall we go get some?"

"Sure." Holly started as she stood up, putting her note pad back in her bag. "Lisa and Rachel are probably back by now." The brunette added, holding her hand out to Gail.

"Right. I guess I will need a cup or two then." Gail said after a moment, a smile on her face as she accepted Holly's hand, squeezing it gently.

That was the first thing Lisa noticed when she saw the two women walking towards her. They were holding hands as if it was something they did as naturally as breathing.

"So... what's new?"

So lost in one another that one wouldn't know where one started and the other ended.


End file.
